Vampire Diaries
Week 1
Welcome to the 2021 edition of the Diaries. True to his millennial status, our Vampire Lucas had issues with renaming his team, so the team formerly known as Bespin Clouds is now Vampire Name Cause I have to. After your week 1 showing might I suggest Vampire Name Cause I Suck? Or maybe you can borrow the Prince of Funkness’ eponymous symbol. Actually, the vamp came pretty close to stealing game one from All Barkley no Bite 97-82. A Fitztragic hip injury and zero from R. Jones II the difference there. Perhaps next time select a QB that wasn’t actually old enough to party in 1999. Speaking of old, fellow Gen Xer and purple reigning champ Scott (now Succop your Blood), picked up where he left off with this week’s top score 153-118 over Straight Outta Coffin. I Drew Bloodsoe takes this week’s slap-fight matchup over Hotel Fapsylvania 88-83. Nice game Aaron Rogers. Im sure Lucas could arrange a trade for Graffitti Bridgewater. In the game of the week, former vamp Mitch and Bear’s Den (are you protesting themed names too?) pulled out a squeaker over Menstrual Vamps 129-122. And last, but certainly not least, iVan Helsing kicked off the CMC take2 tour with a pummeling of the Fang Bus 136-83. Sony Michel is not starting material Sean, you’re better off with your other ex-Patriot: Leonard “Red” Fournette (hey its early in the season and I’m running low on Prince puns).
Next up for the Vamp: Craig and I Drew Bloodsoe
Week 2
This week’s Diaries dedication goes out to Scott, because I know how much he loves puns and Yacht Rock. We start off with You make McLaurin fun (Fleetwood Mac). McLaurin’s 22 pts. on TNF kicked off Fang Bus’ total steamrolling of Soccup your Blood. Not even properly spelling his team name would save the defending champ as the ‘Bus was on Pablo Cruise control from there on out. Hey 19 (Steely Dan) points from the TB defense were just icing on the final and top score of the week: 159-96. Next up on the set list, Baby Comeback (Player), you can blame it all on Aaron Jones’ 4 TDs. In the matchup of the week, Mitch’s Bears Den was Reminiscing (Little River Band) last week’s nail-biter, but ultimately, Hotel Fapsylvania couldn’t Steal Away (Robbie Dupree) the win, falling just short on MNF 116.72-116.22. Mitch, if you like Piña Coladas, that’s the time for one.
That’s got to be somebody’s Brady (Jackson Browne) on the bench with 5 TDs. Yup, Ruben could have used those as All Barkley no Bite won a close matchup over the Coffin 115-107. Coming up big, Sky Lockett in flight for 27 points, Afternoon Delight (Starland Vocal Band) for Ryan. Straight Outta Coffin providing little pun opportunity as there are no rap songs in the yacht rock genre even though Rappers Delight is on that 70’s timeline. Menstrual Vamps eked out a close one over iVan Helsing. Thought I’d be “Sailing” to a win, but Clyde like the Wind (Christopher Cross 2fer) Helaire delivered a mere Summer Breeze (Seals and Crofts) and was only good for that trifecta pun and 2.6 points. Which brings us to our encore set from I’ve been through the desert on a Vamp with no Name (America) stuck in the barren wasteland of an 0-2 start. I drew Bloodsoe pulled off the win over Lucas 105-75. How Long (ACE) will this keep going on? Don’t be lulled into a false sense of security and think the vampire is toothless. That’s What a Fool Believes (Doobie Brothers). The vamp has the fire power (see his roster) and was merely a Ruggs and the correct Brown (Hollywood, not Antonio or Jackson…zing) away from a W. So This is It (Kenny Loggins) the end of Scott’s suffering (if he even read further than the first sentence). Wow, I really took it to the Limit (Eagles…last one, seriously). I’ll just turn out the lights as I exit the building.
Next up for the Vamp: Brian and Hotel Fapsylvania
Week 3
With the Arizona audit now concluded, the Commish has been in touch with Cyber Ninjas to review this week’s results stemming from the trade between the Vamp and Soccup [sic] Your Blood. Those results should be in by early 2025. In question are Scott’s ethics in rectifying his dilemma of drafting 2 defenses with the same bye week. The Vikings for Carolina trade is clearly the best deal you’ll get outside of a California King from the My Pillow Guy. Scott has claimed that Minnesota is a top defense and that their 2 points this weekend seems fraudulent as they clearly should have scored at least 7 million more points. It all appears to be fake news as Soccup Your Blood ends up the winner regardless 118-107 over Menstrual Vamps. The real crime was AJ Brown’s pulled hammy and 0.3 pts. Mitch, a leading voice in the Stop the Deal Movement, needs no recount as Bears Den took care of iVan Helsing 122-104. This being the second straight year CMC has pulled up lame, the commish suspects aliens may be targeting his top pick with laser beams. I drew Bloodsoe won a landslide victory over Straight Outta Coffin when Ruben failed to replace last minute scratch Dalvin Cook. It didn’t help his cause that the Washington D scored -8 pts. Hey is that Cook’s handcuff Mattison among the waiver undead? Lucas has a soft spot for crappy defenses, you might be able to swing a deal. Speaking of The Vamp, he had another good showing, but fell to this week’s top-scoring team Hotel Fapsylvania 137-97. When questioned about the trade Lucas claimed immunity as the vamp and tweeted “everyone can suck it” Our incumbent 2020 regular-season winner Fang Bus has really dropped in the polls with an 0-3 start, losing to All Barkley no Bite 98-88. Sean has asserted that the Cyber Ninjas will show that the draft was rigged. I do not use my executive powers to nix trades. I am fully confident in the honor system and trust that the peanut gallery will call out anything iffy and serve up a steaming platter of shit to be eaten.
Week 4
What a complete humiliation. I feel like I just got pantsed by Meadowlark Lemon. I might follow Scott’s lead and change my team name to the Washington Generals after iVanHelsing’s ass whooping (bass whooping?) at the hands of Kiss my Bass (formerly Soccup[sic] your Blood) 138-80. Naming your team after your kicker doesn’t exactly strike fear into opponents, but I guess we’re just lucky you didn’t draft Nick Folk or Sam Ficken.
The Vamp also got his bass kicked by the undefeated Bear’s Den (Do these pants make my McManus look big?) Mitch’s team dribbling Curly Neal circles around Lucas’ nameless and fangless squad 112-49. On the bright side, the Vamp’s kicker Robbie Gould offers up a possible rebrand. That’s Gould Lucas…Gould.
I Drew Bloodsoe also remained undefeated putting up this week’s top score 155-135 over Fang Bus (Praters gonna Prate?) Ironically, Kittle and Kelce tossing bricks for both teams in this shootout. 4-0 Craig, must be your great vampire-themed team name. Just want you to know that as an all-inclusive commish I would always be supportive of renaming after your kicker (Matt Gay Pride).
Another great vampire name and also undefeated, Ryan’s All Barkley no Bite pulled away on MNF as Eckler’s 28 pts. were the difference over Menstrual Vamps 145-128. Despite some solid scores and a vamp-tastic name, Jay finds himself at 1-3…I hear Midol helps.
Oh how the mighty have fallen, former league champ Straight out of Coffin got capped, or more fittingly, whacked by Hotel Fapsylvania 112-98 and sits at 0-4. Love both team names despite Brian’s kicker Harrison Butker appealing to my 10-yr old maturity level. I’ll let Ruben’s kicker speak for him and wrap up this week’s diaries: Justin Mother Tucker!
Week 5
Goooood Evening Vamp and welcome to the dance. Lucas shook off 4 week’s worth of glitter and gave a performance worthy of the classic prince of darkness himself ripping thru Ruben’s hood and taking out SOC 137-82 even with AB benched in the casket. A late scratch left Dalvin Cook in Ruben’s starting lineup so he now joins Lucas’ undead army. How does that first kill feel Vampy? Judging from your screen-test (here) the range of emotion must be staggering. For the purposes of the diaries you are now “Count Meh-llennial”
Bela Lugosi might need to share his morphine stash with all the walking wounded. Russell Wilson injured his middle finger, essentially an F-U to Scotts team as Kiss my Bass lost a close one to still undefeated Bears Den 101-96. Also undefeated at 5-0, Craig’s I Drew Bloodsoe won the battle of the brother-in-laws 134-108. Jay’s squad proving to be a cheesy B-movie sitting at 1-4. Menstrual Vamps actually sounds like something straight out of the Ed Wood library. In the battle of the brother-in laws II, iVan Helsing knocked Ryan’s All Barkley no Bite from the ranks of the undefeated with a stunning come from behind win 124-117. Mark Andrews 36 pts on MNF proving that you should always hold off sending a Venmo payment until the credits have rolled.
Bombing at the box office, Hotel Fapsylvania took a “beating” from this week’s top-scoring team as Fang Bus rolled through Brian’s straight to video flop 166-115. Even the star studded performance by leading men Lamar and Herbert couldn’t save this one from 2nd billing in this week’s diaries.
Week 6
Dr. Rosenrosen has the latex glove on, time for a league check-up. We are 6 games in, the vamp has made a kill, byes and injuries are in full force and no undefeated or winless teams remain.
Falling from the undefeated ranks, I Drew Bloodsoe matched punches with iVan Helsing, but ultimately the similarities were just waist up on the rosters. Final score: 149-133 for the top-scoring team of the week Helsing. Craig remains in first place at 5-1. The commish’s squad is right in the middle of the standings at 3-3. No longer unblemished, but still with a share of first place at 5-1, the Bears Den took more than just a cap in the ass from Straight Outta Coffin 125-92. Ruben gets his first win of the season while Mitch was heard singing “MoooonRiver”.
With a TE on a bye and having drafted only the one TE, Ryan found himself falling short as Kiss my Bass pulled away from All Barkley no TE 111-87. Both teams now sitting at 4-2 and tied for second place. Aww come on guys it’s so simple, maybe you need a refresher course. Draft 2 players at every position, and remember it’s all ball bearings now.
Menstrual Vamps ran up a huge bill at the Hotel Fapsylvania, ordering a Bloody Mary (punny on many levels) a steak sandwich, and a steak sandwich. Final tab: 134-118 for Jay’s MV. Both teams are 2-4 just below the Mendoza line. Well, that brings us to the Vamp. Standing at 5-10…6’2 with the afro and but 1 win, Lucas could not keep up with the Fang Bus 116-87. Sean’s team, running on an Oldsmo-Buick engine is an even 3-3 and tied with yours truly.
Lastly you deadbeats, don’t make me pull rank and get the mattress police involved, pay your league dues. No payments will be accepted on the Underhill’s Venmo account.
Week 7
Wow Brian got an early jump on his Christmas shopping as Hotel Fapsylvania completely restaffed last week. The IR rule states that you can replace your IR player the week of that designation from waivers with a player of the same position. Retooling your entire roster and still keeping your IR player, well that’s a sure way to owe the commish beers and get featured ridicule in the diaries. There will also be a new end-of season award named after you: the Fapsy, for an individual displaying a loose “grasp” of the rules.
Injuries and byes continue to wreak havoc. Fapsy shoe-in Brian still took 2 position zeroes after filling his entire bench with byes and IR players and to nobody’s surprise came up woefully short to iVan Helsing 91-58. Can’t enjoy the win too much as the commish is currently without a starter at one RB slot and faces a very hungry Vamp this week.
Speaking of the Vamp, Lucas was oh-so-close to feasting on trash-talking Menstrual Vamps, but instead, as predicted, got a mouthful of ass 138.9-137.4 (Jay pulling out the victory by an ass hair and Kupp’s 33 pts) The Vamp’s team is looking very scary. I fear a run coming that could shake up the league.
More bye and injury woes: No Barkley No QB weathered 2 positional zeroes as Ryan got past the Bear’s Den 99-85. Mitch was also down a RB and essentially a QB with Mahomes getting knocked loopy early. I Drew Bloodsoe’s replacement players fared better than Kiss my Bass taking the win 121-100. Both teams had 4 players each benched with byes. Also on Scott’s bench: D’Andre Swift’s 24 pts…sonofa!
Has anyone taken notice of the Fang Bus? Sean’s squad has been flying under the radar in the middle of the pack, but is the league’s top-scoring team overall and takes the weekly honor again 143-85 over Straight Outta Coffin. Don’t fall asleep on the Fang Bus, you may wake up sore come Monday morning.
Week 8
This week’s Diaries are brought to you by the letter Jay (Menstrual Vamps)
When Michael Lee Aday was ready for the bright lights of rock-n-roll, he embraced his boyish girth and chose an unflattering stage name. With a fuck you to his high school football coach, who likened him to ground meat molded to resemble bread, Michael stood proud for all those whose Toughskins were size ‘husky’ and became Meat Loaf. The Bat out of Hell was destined for vampire lore. So why do we open this week’s diaries with a rock & roll history lesson?
Well, most assumed the Vampire would return to his coffin after Halloween weekend resembling the rock & roll performer version of Michael – a fat, happy, bat out of hell. Instead, Lucas limped away looking more like the high school football benchwarmer version of Meat Loaf. Who’d have predicted a doughnut from Manny, Cook looking pedestrian against ‘Merica’s team, and fantasy’s leading RB for week 8 sitting on Lucas’ bench? It was too much to overcome, as the Vampire fell flat against iVan Helsing, who had breakup letters already penned for CeeDee and D’Andre. iVan lives to play another day, and the Vampire might not have a bloodmeal any time soon.
After Sean’s bus full off geezers left their dentures at home and got doubled up by Mitch’s cave full of cubs, there must be a new rule that lets the Vampire poach from anyone who gets the fantasy equivalent of DVDA. Treat it like a Vampire win and swap a player. While it was partly self-inflicted with Lamar on bye, only one player scored in double figures for Sean. Ouch. Mitch put up another strong showing despite his two stud RBs being outclassed and nearly doubled up by Melvin in his own flex slot. Hopefully for the Cub Cave, J-Rob’s heel is okay and doesn’t force him to miss any games unlike Matt Nagy, who I’m sure all Bears’ fans are hoping has Covid for the rest of the season.
Fapsy saw his playoff chances go on life support with a fourth straight loss after being downed by Scott. Matty Ice over Herbert, really? Maybe in 2016 when the former was NFL league MVP and the latter was a true freshman at Oregon, but now? With the right QB under center and Covid Cole instead of Courtland, Brian’s hotel could have still been open but instead we’re seeing the ‘no vacancy’ sign out front already. As for Scott, his Bass have been schoolin’ strong all season and hope to be spawning come playoff time.
Craig stayed hot and kept I Drew Bloodsoe on top of the league standings with another impressive win. It should have been a lot closer than it was, but unfortunately for Ryan, Pitts decided that being Atlanta’s only real receiving option wasn’t something he was ready for. If Barkley doesn’t come back ASAP, Ryan might be chomping in the participation trophy bracket. And Craig’s in trouble, losing a critical piece just like last year when Dak’s ankle did its best Joe Theismann impression. With King Henry now down, Craig won’t be alone atop the standings for much longer. I guess he won’t have to worry what infinite heart’s ease must kings neglect that private men enjoy.
Looks like Ruben plans to spend most of the season in the coffin, losing to Jay’s period predators in a close one. Jay won by a tampon string thanks to a replacement kicker snagging 17 points and Ridley stepping away from the game for Ruben. Seriously, mental health is no laughing matter, so wishing the best for Calvin. If you or anyone you know might be facing a mental health crisis, please call 1-800-662-HELP to connect with SAMHSA’s free, confidential helpline. T
Week 9
Has the Vamp gone vegan? So many meaty main courses passed up: Filet o Yeti, Zeke Tartare, T-Mahomes steak, CeeDee Lamb chops…I’m starting to think Dalvin Cook only made the menu because a Minnesota Viking is part imitation contender and part NFL beat juice (see what I did there?) Even punnier because Scott’s a fan. And speaking of Scott, Kiss my Bass put up the week’s top score and sent the Vamp back to the castle hungry beeting the pulp out of Lucas 126-88. The pescatarian Bass are firmly in 2nd Place at 6-2 with Alvin Kamarinara leftovers vacuum sealed in the freezer. Our Vegan Vamp however, finds himself at 1-7 halfway through the season and surrounded by stakes. Late season opponents check your schedule, the bounty on Lucas may pay off early.
Good thing iVan Helsing played the Vamp last week, because that was one sorry outing. You don’t bring a kale salad to a picnic in the hood. Straight Outta Coffin force fed the commish a platter of Bitch Please with a side of Deez Nuts 110-50 (not a typo). Ruben gets his second win of the season while Helsing drops down to the middle of the pack at 5-4.
The battle of the top 2 teams was a pseudo meat-grinder. Mitch’s Bear’s Den won the close soy burger matchup 95-93. The game looked good, but was actually bland in taste as both failed to clear the century mark of a true meaty contest. Ivermectin-innoculated horse’s ass meat sitting on Craig’s Covid bench may have put him over the top. Both are now tied for first place at 7-2.
In another sub-100 meatless matchup, All Barkley no Bite swept Hotel Fapsylvania to the side like a sprig of parsley 92-77. Ryan, surviving on bread crumbs, seems to have overcome injuries (Saquon) and poor roster choices (ignoring draft menu suggestions provided by chef commish) now finds his squad approaching full force. ABNB silently tied with Kiss my Bass for second place at 6-2. Brian on the other hand is left chewing the fat and eating table scraps at 2-6. The loser’s dessert menu features wearing a cape in public that says “I suck”…Step up your game Fap.
With both teams actually clearing 100 pts and earning USDA prime rating, Menstrual Vamps served up a strap-on, bone-in ribeye on the Fang Bus 108-101. I’ll stop there, had an “au jus” comment, but it just screams cancel. Jay and Sean are in the thick of the meat market at 5-4 and 4-5 respectively. The menstrual vamps also pulled a last minute trade with the vamp: MV gets Clyde Edwards-Helaire and Antonio Brown, the Vamp gets Allen Robinson and Deebo Samuel. Besides Deebo, all meat by-products if you ask me. Kudos to Jay on his meatloaf laden diaries last week. My vegan follow-up is certain to give everyone gas and funky pee.
Week 10
There ya go, There ya go. Don’t get me wrong, the commish loves trade action…who doesn’t like a good 3-way? But a crippled Julio Jones for an insert into your starting lineup RB (Ingram)? Lucas that’s duct tape around Julio’s hammy….Pretty Bird! The Vamp did totally redeem himself, parlaying last week’s trade acquisition Deebo into win número dos. The former Gamecock’s 28 pts on MNF putting the game away and defeating All Barkley no Bite 117-83. Hey Ryan, you wanna hear the most annoying sound? BuhByeeeeeeDaaaaak. ABNB’s luck ran out, limping into the contest with a zero at RB. Too bad you didn’t trade a player on IR for a starting RB.
The Chubbless Bear’s Den on the other hand, sat at the bar and put out the trade vibe. The vamp must be a sucker for nice hooters or maybe he was just sucking down on grampa’s old cough medicine. Mitch defended the value of his scrubs claiming that they are better than money, those are IOUse later in the season. Do you know what you get when you mate a bulldog with a shih-tzu Ruttenberg? In the end, Ingram was just an extra pair of gloves as this week’s top-scoring team* the Bear’s Den, pummeled the Menstrual Vamps 130*-91 behind Mahomes 36 pts. Jay’s fair-market trade of Burrows for Wentz was easily the dumberer of this week’s trades. You’ll have to excuse my friend, he’s a little slow, a good starting QB is back that way.
Kick his ass Sea Bass! I hope Ruben found his happy place because that was ugly. In this week’s DVDA matchup, The Bass had beer and pts flowing like wine, instinctively flocking like the Salmon of Capistrano all over the Coffin 110-56. And trust me the beer flowed this Sunday for Scott and the commish at a little place we like to call Asp-, um the 1227 Tap Room. When asked to comment on Mitch’s wheelin’ and dealin’ The Bass boss had this to say: I’ll take the money line on Minnesota’s D cracking the Vamp’s starting lineup before Julio.
iVan Helsing followed through with his promise to bring the double-edged “sword” on the Fang Bus. The Bus will need to be hosed off ala the Mutts Cuts van as there was no mercy or lube provided. Helsing leaving a steaming mess on the bus 106-91. The Fang Bus, for those who are not degenerates like Sean, is a play on a NSW website called the Bang Bus. A quick peek at all of our search histories will undoubtedly prove that we are all degenerates…just to a lesser degree than Sean.
So you’re tellin me there’s a chance. No Brian, it ain’t looking good. You’ve got no Hunt, no points from your TE, last place at 2-8, you’re pet’s heads are falling off! I’m sizing up the cape after I drew Bloodsoe was able to top Hotel Fapsylvania in a lackluster contest 96-83. Not seeing A Hawaiian Tropic tour bus pulling up to the hotel’s valet anytime soon with the Bear’s Den up next…Hey Ali-oopa!
Never one to block a trade, but will always call it like I see it in the diaries. So deal away, trades make this league more fun. No player is off the table, be it CMC, Mahomes, that guy on the Giants, um Swenson, Swammy, Saquon, Slappy…Samsonite!! I knew it started with an S…I was waaay off.
Week 11
Oh no you d’int! Did the Vamp sleep with I Drew Bloodsoe’s baby daddy? Are they actually long lost bruhs?? Welcome to the trailer park edition of the diaries. Nothing stirs up controversy like the season’s first player stash. The commish grabbed some popcorn and watched the extention-pulling cat fight unfold just happy that it wasn’t Helsing losing his just applied Lee Press-on Nails. So let’s check the DNA results and get to it. I Drew Bloodsoe, down Derrick Henry and Corona Cooper, decided to stash most his starters and at 8-2 a well-calculated move. He can afford the loss (Lucas could use the win), but of course, the studio audience lost their shit. When the security goons finally stepped in and separated the heated hussies it was crick water under the bridge. I Drew Bledsoe pulls off the rare stash win 109-88. Newly acquired Dak taking a Texas-sized dump on stage. The irony here is that the Vamp is now eliminated and Craig takes the bounty. You go girl!
This week’s top scoring team and first to cry out stash, Bear’s Den kept pace with oops I won Bloodsoe defeating Motel Sixsylvania 132-108 behind 26 pts from the Patriots D and coach Steve Bilicek’s saweeet mullet.
Daaaang, Jay’s Menstrual Vamps bitch slapped the McCaffrey out of iVan Helsing. 51 points from Jonathan Taylor?? The commish, getting scored on like a Mötley Crüe groupie, was mere road kill under MV’s blood red F-150. Final score 103-61.
All Barkley No Shoes No Shirt walked right into the hood’s corner liquor store, grabbed a fistfull of Slim Jims, a case of Bud Light and left without paying, burning rubber doughnuts from his primer color Trans-Am. The 103-77 win over SOC keeps him in 4th and solidly in the playoff picture. Ruben, however, finds himself tied for last with the rest of the league trash (Fap and the vamp), battling to avoid the cape of shame.
Kiss my Bass (the most Springer appropriate name) sent Fang Bus’ double-wide back to the trailer park riding on fumes after a 125-99 beat down. The Bass all alone in 3rd place while the Bus at 4-7 needs to hustle if Sean wants tickets to the year end Tractor pull.
So here’s my 2 cents on sitting players: Like any sport or competition you try to minimize risk to increase your odds of winning. Scott, Im sure never lays up and always tin cups it. I suppose nobody has ever folded a hand in poker rather than risking all their chips when they didn’t have the nuts. Stashing is part of the vampire format. It’s like the basic strategy. Read ESPN Mathew Berry’s description of Vampire Leagues…It’s literally the second thing he mentions in his description: Vampire League link Now if we decide as a league to take on a different rule regarding stashing, I’m fine with it..really. I will in fact volunteer to be the vampire next year as I will be amassing a dream team in that format and just filling the competition with scrubs come playoffs. I have put a ton of thought into the rules and being fair while keeping the teams balanced. I enjoy this league because its my best friends and our brothers-in-laws talking shit, having laughs and competing. That’s it for my soap box. Oh, and the DNA results are in…I’m not the daddy!
Week 12
Well our friendly contest is clearly separating the weak from those who are masters of their domain. Pinky bets, its the Seinfeld edition of the diaries. Time to see who’s in and who’s out.
I can only assume that the Vamp’s castle and Hotel Fapsylvania are both located in the Ukraine as they are officially eliminated and the fanged one now assumes the role of spoiler. Must be the naked harpy in Lucas’ tower window because Brian’s hotel lived up to its name and he was sleeping like a baby by halftime. The Vamp is this week’s top-scoring team running up a huge bill at Hotel Fap 166-95 and swapping out an injured Cook for Zeke. Pure evil. Better watch out Mitch…he’ll get you next.
The Bear’s Den is in first place, has clinched a playoff spot and thus far is Lord of the manor after taking the handicapped parking spot reserved for iVan Helsing’s crippled squad. A lackluster 82-65 win over a Helsing team missing 2 starters proving that Mahome’s (on bye) is clearly maestro of the Den. With CMC now scrapped and no sponge-worthy running backs, the commish might end up sitting on the couch leafing through a copy of Glamour magazine come playoffs, now only one game up on Sean for the final spot.
Scott, what are you doing? My God! The Bass got caught “swimming solo” in bloody water as the Menstrual Vamps took them to school 118-71. Scott finds himself alone (haha) in third place having already secured a playoff spot. You’ll need to finish strong and zip up if you plan on getting one of the two remaining byes. Jay moves into a tie for fourth with Ryan needing one more tug to get him into the post season.
I Drew Bloodsoe forgot to flash the Van Buren Boys hand sign whilst in the hood and took a brutal beating by the Coffin 139-65. Despite the street toughs treating Craig’s team like an amusement park, Bloodsoe had already clinched and sits in second place one game back from the Den…Queen of the Castle. Ruben’s team never quite lived up to virginal aspirations and was out of this year’s contest before the check arrived.
The wheels on the bus go round and round. Sean’s Fang Bus, also taking 2 zeroes in the starting lineup was on no sleep…no sleep! and still drove the Little red Fournette’s 40 pts (bonus mixing diary themes) to a victory over All Barkley no self control 108-90. Ryan, not yet clinching will need to stay focused and avoid the temptations of a girl-on-girl spongebath if he has plans to knock off Jay next week and join the party. I believe the French call it: menage a six. Sean is still one game behind the commish for the last seat. Wait time on a playoff spot: 5-10 minutes.
Week 13
Well 2021 has certainly had drama in the vampireverse Who knew Scott’s drafting 2 defenses with the same bye week would kick off a season of wheeling and dealing, shady exchanges and (cough) last minute 3-ways. The 2 latest trades (more on those later) had the torch and pitchforked mob looking to pike up Craig and the commish’s heads. Personally, I’d take the cast from No No Nanette over the Minnesota defense on any given Sunday. Welcome to the stir the trade pot edition of the diaries.
The Vamp kicks us off with a steal of a trade swapping Dak for Mahomes after Lucas pulled out the win over the Den 99-92. Mitch answering the question “does a bear shit in the woods?” No, apparently it shits the bed. Lucas put his vamp stamp on the playoffs without actually having a ticket. You evil slut!
I Drew Bloodsoe found himself minus Justin Fields (ankle) and Ivermectin Aaron (bye)….yadayadayada (bonus mixing themes again) welcome to the team GOATBrady, Alex Collins and Washington DST. Goodbye Jalen Hurts, Kenyon Drake and Colts DST. Don’t see how that helps eliminated-from-contention Ruben, but you know where I stand on nixing trades. End result: Bloodsoe crushes the Fang Bus 151-114 behind Brady’s moot 29 pts. Compton hasn’t seen such a lopsided trade since Vlade left the Forum for Kobe.
The Coffin, benching everyone from the Brady trade somehow still defeated an injury and bye depleted Hotel Fapsylvania 95-89. Brian would have made a more needy trade partner, but why settle for Rhode Island (Matt Ryan) when you can buy Alaska (Brady) for pennies on the dollar? Ruben secures “not last place” while Brian gets to sashay through Hotel Fapsylvania’s lobby wearing the “I Suck” cape of shame (I’m thinking embroidered penises would be a classy touch).
Jay welcomed Kyler back to the starting lineup and benched dud acquisition Wentz. Dallas fan Jay obviously doesn’t understand how to Herschel up a good ol’ lopsided trade (your ethical conduct has been noted…there is no place for that in this league). 4 touchdowns later the top-scoring team of the week Menstrual Vamps found themselves clinching a playoff spot with a 157-89 victory over All Barkley no Bite. Ryan also ends up clinching when the commish* and Sean failed to secure wins.
And that brings us to the feature shit show of the week. The commish found himself within reach of a playoff spot and pulled off a last-minute 3-way that will now be known as the Monday afternoon Lousiana Purchase. Seeking Ryan’s benched RB Damien Harris (playing on MNF) Helsing acquired TE Zack Ertz from Bloodsoe for New Orleans DST and flipped him for ABNB’s Harris. The trade was completed at the now infamous 4pm bitching hour. Harris paid off quick with a 65 yd-TD that put the commish up on Kiss my Bass. When Scotty connected the dots it was Jerry Springer all over again (oooh a diaries theme hat trick). I must say I enjoyed every minute. Hell hath no fury like a Scotty scorned. I think I peed myself a little when Bass did his best Scott Norwood and wide righted a late FG attempt. Final Score: Helsing 101-100 over Kiss my Bass.
4 pm??!!! Well to be fair, I do see Scott’s point, but I still believe there was value to all. The commish would rather use his powers for good and set the bar low, but not too low. The 3-way was reversed (reverse 3-way…pretty sure its a PornHub category) so the official final score is Bass defeats Helsing 100-89. The only victim here is Damien Harris who like every other RB on the commish’s roster this year was injured before halftime.
Week 14
The Playoffs are here! Invitations have been sent. Seating arrangements are in place, the caterer and DJ have cashed their deposit checks and the Commish is crashing the party riding a 4-game losing streak. The Bela Lugosi trophy is up for grabs so lets get to it in the diaries Wedding Crasher edition.
Playoff Crasher Rule#1: Never put family before fantasy. Top scoring team of the week I Drew Bloodsoe takes the top spot (11-2) in the season standings, earns a first round bye, and takes care of his brother-in-law Jay defeating the Menstrual Vamps 129-99. Jay still makes the playoffs as the 4th seed with an 8-6 record. When asked for comment Craig said “Jay just doesn’t take this league seriously, always claiming he’s got responsibilities as a husband, father, blah, blah blah….What an idiot! Maaa, Meatloaf!!”
Playoff Crasher Rule#2: Never let a trade come between you and a first round bye. Kiss my Bass (10-4) secures 2nd place in the standings and his coveted bye with a 119-76 thumping of the Bear’s Den (10-4). Mitch drops to 3rd in the playoff seedings. This contest was over far ahead of Monday’s 4PM trade deadline.
Playoff Crasher Rule#3: Bridesmaids are lonely, console them. That’s a shame about your lost bye Mitch, 76 points won’t cut it in the playoffs…maybe fantasy canasta is more your speed.
Playoff Crasher Rule#4: Don’t rent a tux if there’s a chance you’re not going to make it. The Fang Bus was already putting cans on the bumper and then failed to take care of business dropping a heart-breaker to Hotel Fapsylvania 114-111. Sean’s plans for a drunken speech botched when Lamar twisted an ankle and Dalvin Cook made a surprise return for Fapsylvania. No need for Brian to rent a tux, I’ll be putting the finishing touches on the cape of shame to be worn at the after party.
Playoff Rule#6: Whatever it takes to get in, get in (also see rule #1). All Barkley no Bite fought off a late charge by iVan Helsing (ignoring the actual Wedding Crasher rule: Never use your real name) taking the win 126-111. Ryan is the 5th seed at 8-6, while the commish didn’t need to pull off a last minute trade, come out with a victory or even have a winning record, as he’ll squeak into the dance at 6-8 thanks to Hotel Fap putting a boot on the Fang Bus.
Playoff Crasher Rule#7: Invitations are for pussies: Straight outta Coffin crushed the Vamp 123-95. Both teams eliminated weeks ago and obviously have better plans for the holidays. The Vamp was a few twists of fantasy fate away from making it to the party, but as a consolation, he stole Mitch’s date (Mahomes) last week at the rehearsal dinner. Ruben avoids last place heading back to the hood for the off season riding a 3-game win streak.
The vamp has been evicted from the castle and waivers are now open to the “sinister six”…ooh that’s good! Good luck to no one but the commish. Trades are now off limits, unless of course I feel like fucking with Scotty.
Week 15 (Playoffs round 1)
Its that magical time of the year when our family gathers, fills up the shitter and brings the special gift of Omicron. Thank baby Jesus for bringing us lots of Yuletide sports, fantasy football and beer so that we can ignore them and fall asleep on the couch. So throw on your best Christmas sweater and get ready for the Christmas Vacation edition of the diaries.
Our first matchup in round one had the Menstrual Vamps up against All Barkley no Bite. Jay’s squad showed up big lighting up the scoreboard like the Griswold house, getting huge wattage from Kupp (30 pts) and Jonathan Taylor (23 pts). Final Score: Menstrual Vamps 138 All Barkley No Christmas Bonus 69. Ryan’s consolation is hosting brother Erin (formerly Gang Fang) for the holidays. Hope he understands our Secret Santa rules Ry, would be a shame if he quits Christmas. Jay moves onto round 2 and will get to to spend the holidays with and face cousin, um brother-in-law Craiggie and I drew Bloodsoe. Save the neck for him, Jay…necks are for choking.
In our other matchup the Bear’s den took on iVan Helsing. This feature serving was harder to swallow than a bone-dry Griswold Christmas turkey with neither team showing up for the playoffs. The commish got a big game from team MVP Mark Andrews (30 pts) and jello mold from the rest of his squad. The yawn fest extended to Tuesday’s Covid double-header where TE Dallas Goedert’s 17 pts finally put out the burned cat stink of this kitty fight 98-86 for the victorious Den. Mitch will now face Scott and Kiss my Bass in round 2. The commish’s season is over. Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?
So here’s hoping that everyone’s stockings and shitters be full and that you all have the hap-hap-happiest holidays since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kay. Merry Christmas, Kiss my Bass, Kiss his Bass, Happy Chanukkah!
Week 16 (Playoffs Round 2)
OK so that is technically a salmon, but let’s not nit-pick. Covid forced everyone to ransack waivers giving the fearsome foursome unrecognizable lineups as team owners scrambled to stay alive in round 2 of the playoffs. Welcome to the survival of the fittest edition of the diaries.
Mitch’s Bear’s Den came into this matchup at the bottom of the food chain and emerged the alpha predator sinking his teeth into the Bass 103-90. Yes, you read that correctly, the Den cracked triple digits. Mitch emerged from his scoring hibernation sporting a full Chubb (26 pts) and getting solid production from Diggs (18 pts) and waiver pickup Antonio Brown (18 pts). But it was Dak’s 31 pts that spared the Den from extinction…thank you vampy! Scott, whose entire roster was a question mark going into the weekend, wisely worked waivers and picked up Justin Jackson (30 pts) desperately trying to reach the spawning grounds, but it was not enough to overcome his ill-timed crap fest. Scotty defended his title like a champ, at or near the top of the standings all year and now faces an offseason plotting a comeback with the commish at the 1227 taproom.
It was a brother-in-law fight to the death at the Conyer household as the Mestrual Vamps took on I Drew Bloodsoe. Jay opened up the pissing contest on Thursday as AJ Brown marked MV’s territory with a strong stream of 26 pts while Craig could only muster up a trickle from Kittle (3 pts). Bloodsoe kept it close and has been solid all season, but key waiver pickups from last week Ronald Jones (15 pts) and the Miami DST (25 pts) sent Craig back to LA with his tail between his legs. Final score: MV 153 Bloodsoe 118. Jay’s squad is in full beastly PMS mode and will be the favorite heading into Chompionship weekend .
And speaking of Chompionship weekend, I’ll be sending out details for the get together. It will most likely be at my house or the 1227 taproom. Scotty you can now officially drive the trophy over and Brian, the cape of shame is dry cleaned and sized up. Cheers guys and have a great New Year!
Chompionship Weekend
Chompionship weekend had our 2 ex-vamps mano-a-mano with the Bela Lugosi trophy at…stake. A fight to the death until only one was left standing at dawn. Suns out, puns out. Yes the fangs were bared and and it seems only fitting that we end this with the Lost Boys edition of the diaries.
Jay’s clutch pickup of WR Amon-Ra St. Brown (31 pts) and Mitch’s flaccid Chubb (4pts) were the difference as the Menstrual Vamps take the title 128-99. The only Chubb anyone saw this weekend was a rousing game of Chub at the 1227 Taproom where the commish walked away with a solid buzz and a lap dance grip of cash. Jay’s PMS run to the Bela was well-earned as his bloody band led the league in scoring. His chompionship skills will be put to a test as he now faces the uphill battle to convince Jenny that the majestic Bela Lugosi trophy deserves a spot on the mantle.
And that brings us to the awards section of the diaries. The Haim/Feldman MVP goes to co-MVPs Cooper Kupp and Jonathan Taylor (both on Jay’s MV roster). This duo as likely to show up on the top of the weekly stats sheet as the 2 Coreys were on an 80’s Teen Beat cover.
Brian takes 2 awards home this year. The already-awarded Fapsy for his “loose grip” of the rules (a round of beers will square you off with the league for pillaging waivers). And for Hotel Fapsylvania’s last place finish, he also “wins” The Laddie, named after that creepy little vampire snot rat from the movie. Since he was not on hand to accept at the Chompionship gathering, a future gathering will be named where he will don the cape of shame (which now has a few more penises on the lapel) and sashay on command. Neon red bowtie and cummerbund would really pull the look together BB.
Craig likewise takes home 2 awards earning both on the same Sunday. He won The Count Rugan for best stash back in week 11 when he benched his studs, set off a league-wide hissy fit and somehow still pulled off the win over Lucas eliminating him from the playoffs and therefore also earning the Buffy for slaying the Vampire. Bounty cash to boot! Lost Boy Keifer himself would be impressed with that dramatic turn of events within 24.
Our Final award, the 4P-Emmy! goes to your friendly neighborhood Commish for the last minute swap that had Scotty strapping the seatbelt around the Bela on a return trip down 12th Street. 4PM!!?? Oh thank Sunday Goods-ness that 4:20 was a few ticks away. Most entertaining MNF of the year!
Well that does it guys, another fun season filled with controversy, drama, good competition and most importantly plenty of laughs. Congratulations to Jay and the Menstrual Vamps: Lost Boyz Champs of 2021. Cheers!
