Vampire Diaries
Pre-season
Welcome to the 2023 edition of the Diaries children. Quite the beginning to Season 5 of the Vampireverse. If this is the reaction to setting a draft date, I can’t wait to see the shitstorm following the trade Jay and I will undoubtedly cook up in week 2. Your fearless commish will weather the storm as he always has. Fear not newbies, as any of the originals can attest, this is just an appetizer to the endless trash talking, tantrums and hijinks that is the Lost Boyz vampire league. We are all good friends and enjoy humiliating each other any chance we get. A beer at our local watering hole, The 1227 Taproom (shameless plug better get me a free pint from A-Ron) heals all wounds and bruised egos. So lets get to the business at hand.
I can read the room and realize none of you are viewing any non-TikTok or porn content, but take advantage of the 5 years of data collection and knowledge put into the website that you’re currently on: fantasyvampire.com. There’s a “Rules” page, we play the no-stash variant. This year we will add a wild card entry as the 6th and final playoff spot It will be awarded to the team with the most points of the 5 teams that have not qualified by record (which will most likely be the 6 seed anyhow). This will benefit the bad-beat team and keep owners engaged avoiding late season questionable trades and perhaps postpone Scott’s inevitable “I’m out this league sucks” text.
Speaking of trades, like last year there will be an up-to 24 hour review period on trades by commish-appointed special counsel (or whoever chimes in at the taproom). I’m never going to nitpick trades, just show that there is a value to both parties, no trades when you are all but eliminated, and no taking advantage of coach Ramirez giving no fucks due to impending nuptuals. He has a lifetime of nobody caring what’s in it for him to look forward to, so let’s take the high road.
Draft wisely gents. You have been provided my sage advice in the past (I am literally cutting and pasting from last year’s pre-season diaries) but I feel compelled to give you this reminder given your recall of the draft date notice I sent out 3 weeks ago: check byes, the week you play the Vampire, and draft 2 players at all positions. The only unwritten rule is don’t be a dick and have fun. If you’re bitching about losing $25 you really need to stop doing blow. Just know that I’ll do my best to provide midweek must-read entertainment and most importantly, annoy Scotty.
Ruben, our season 1 champ is the Vampire. The vamp has been a pube away from victory every year, except of course for Lucas’ Twilight version in season 3. Keep hydrated with holy water and stuff your jocks with garlic…Ruben is bringing it. And by “it” I mean the vamp strap-on he just ordered when he accidentally ended up on vampirefantasy.com
Week 1
Good Grief! What the F happened on MNF? Feeling confident heading into the final game of the week, with a seemingly easy chip shot to the finish line, both Jay and I instead got kicked square in the peanuts as the win was ripped away from us in OT. FUAAUGHK! The psychiatrist is in, so grab your squiggly-lined tee and a dime, its time for the Charlie Brown edition of the diaries.
The commish can surely sympathize with good ol’ Chuck as the gang has been relentlessly abusive leading up to week one. Despite getting a whopping 6 pts from Dak, iVan Helsing was looking good going into Monday’s game. Garret Wilson’s late TD looked like the game winner, somehow overcoming the 18 pts from the Jet’s D. But team Booker (really?) Lucy Van Pelted the W on that crazy punt return walk-off. Final score: 99-98. Congrats on the victory Jonah…Not so much on the crappy name effort. Seems like there’s always a couple name protestors every year. Until futher notice you are now know as team Lucy Fang Pelt.
Well Jay’s reaching for the Midol early this year. Josh Allen’s INT-fest was bad enough, but losing Dobbins in week one is certain to bring on the cramps. Defending champ Mitch, overthinking the lineup started Geno over Trevor and almost gifted a win to the Menstrual Vamps. But then (cue up the OT punt return again) Yoink, enough to knock a couple pts off Jay’s DST giving the Blair Mitch Project (❤️ it!) a squeaker 97-96 dub over MV. Better grab the security blanket Jay, and hope the great pumpkin brings you a starting RB.
Newbie Kyle threw up a pigpen stinker as Guillermo de La Cruz proved to be the familiar (What We do in the Shadows ref) to last year’s vamp Craig. I Drew Bledsoe was the beneficiary of (I really hate writing this) Dallas’s D putting up 35pts. Otherwise they’d both have been slap fighting to see who could score 80 pts. The amazing thing is that wah, wah, wah, wah, wah wah…sorry this matchup was really lame: Bledsoe takes the win 105-76.
The vamp came out limp in his week 1 battle against Peppermint Scotty’s butchy team Whine. Tyreek Hill’s 39 pts was enough in itself to seal the victory as Count da Money will need to put together a better mix from the waiver undead if Ruben hopes to steal a win early on. Drafting Hill instead of Mark Andrews may have been the better move vamp…Scott wins this easy 98-68.
Scotty’s sidekick, Marcie, um, Lucas, put up a solid second fiddle to this week’s top dog Casey Cool. All-Bite, No Dan (would have gone with Commandor the Dan Snyderless myself) put up the week’s high score slicing up Team Cheese 139-110. The Brown Baron goes down in flames on the bad beat as Lucas would have defeated the rest of the league. No sophomore slump for Casey, his team looks solid up and down and leads the pack after week 1 . Welcome to season 5 of the Vampireverse gents…and were off!
Next up for the Vamp: Casey and All Bite-No Dan
Week 2
You know the funny thing about vampire leagues? Its the little things. You can set a draft date 3 weeks in advance and then walk right into the warroom and get a dose of Whine. And I don’t mean no little paper cup of whine, you get a huge grown-men sized glass of Whine. You know what they call their Vampire teams in France Lucas? They call them Royale with Cheese. It’s because they got the metric system. They wouldn’t know what the fuck a good vampire-themed name is. And of course, like other leagues they love talking big smack, only they call it Le Big Smack. Pretty sure you all know where this is going…Check out the big brains on the vampireverse, its time for the Pulp Fiction edition of the diaries.
They’ll be no divine intervention for the Menstrual Vamps, not even the Wolf can clean up this mess: 2 starting RBs lost for the season. Jay finds himself on ACL detail, picking up pieces of cartiledge and hosing down the RB slot. No drama for Helsing this week as the commish just sat back and enjoyed a tasty beverage to wash down the win, getting production from his entire lineup including 30 pts from Danny Dimes. Final score: Helsing 133-105 over MV.
The Blair Mitch Project has gone into full cardiac arrest, once again choosing the wrong starting QB. Kyle doesn’t have that dilemma as Mahomes isn’t your average freeze-dried signal caller, that’s some serious gourmet shit right there. GDLC needed little more than Mahomes and Tee Higgins to bury Mitch winning 99-76. Our defending champ is looking shaky out of the gate and in need of an adrenaline shot. I’ll be happy to deliver it in a stabbing motion next week.
Jonah ditched the vanilla name and is now Desert Swarm .Not exactly the Big Kahuna Burger of vampire-themed names, but an upgrade (AJ Killin? Fields and Streams of blood? Devonta Suck your Blood?). yeah. ill move on. the Swarm made it 2-0, following last week’s heart stopper with another close win defeating Scotty and Team Whine 96-91. Seems like team Whine and Joe Burrow in particular are playing with an uncomfortable piece of metal up their ass. The Bella is nobody’s birthright, so you better pick it up if you hope to get your greasy hands around the Chompionship trophy again.
Royale with Cheese put together another strong outing defeating I drew Bledsoe 112-97. Did Lucas benefit from not playing the top-scoring team this week? Correctamundo….Craig’s 3 Fonzies (D. Pierce, J. Williams and AJ Brown) combined for a very uncool 12 pts. Austin Ekeler sat and is questionable for week 3. When asked how he was feeling about next week’s matchup with the Vamp, Bledsoe said “I gotta pee”.
And speaking of the Vamp, Ruben got gimped by All Bite no Dan who once again put up the top score of the week taking down the Count 154-93. 154!! You hear that hilbilly boy? Casey is getting medieval on the league as his lead-pipe swinging lineup is going through opponents with pliers and a blowtorch. Don’t sleep on Ruben tho, he’s had some near misses on his lineup and outscored both Mitch and Scotty. Injuries have loaded up the waiver pawn shop with quite the arsenal to choose from. Hammerin j.Hill, Louisville Love, Chainsaw Nico Collins (how did he go undrafted?) and coming just into view after Chubb’s injury, Katana Kareem….Only a matter of time.
Some of you still owe league fees, So go and log into your Venmo accounts…Its the one’s that says @Cheap-Motherfuckers.
Next up for the Vamp: Craig and I Drew Bledsoe
Week 3
The year was 2023. Injuries ravaged the land. it was the hour of the infamous vampire diaries. Where for public amusement, heretics and non-believers were tortured and burned in a carnival-like atmosphere. And it was guided by the most fearful specter to ever sit in judgement over good and evil, the grand Commissioner. The commish: do not implore him for compassion. The commish: do not beg him for forgiveness, The commish: do not ask him for mercy. Lets face it, he don’t give an ish. That’s right its time for the History of the World edition of the diaries. 🎵 The Inquisition…um Vampire Diaries, here we go, the Vampire Diaries, what a show, I know Scott’s wishing, that it’d go awaaay, But the Vampire Diaries are here and there here to staaay.
It’s good to be the King. Casey is the lone undefeated team and there doesn’t seem to be an end to his reign of terror. That’s 3 weeks in a row as the top scoring team for the Stone man. All Bark, No Dan put up 179 pts getting 42 and 36 from Mostert and Devante respectively. Jonah looked like the piss boy by comparison. 109 pts is nothing to sneeze at, but Casey scored at will on the hive. Knight jumps queen bee, bishop jumps queen bee, pawns jump queen bee…gang bang! Its good to be the king.
Jay’s wounded Menstrual Vamps joined in on the scoring fest racking up 147 pts (30 from K Walker III). Scott was no bucket of shit either as Team Whine poured out 127 points, but the Bills D was the difference in this matchup dropping 31-thanks to the Manders’ crap-show. Scott’s continued string of bad beats has to be driving him nuts, N-V-T-S nuts! I can only assume he’s happy we’ve added a wildcard slot in the playoffs this year. An opening where he might fit.
Have you heard of this new team the Guilermo De la Chruztians? They’re so poor…How poor are they? Thank you. They’re so poor, they only have one kicker…(🦗🦗🦗). Wow, when you die in the diaries, you really DIE in the diaries. In a close contest of futility, Kyle and Lucas exchanged slaps trying to crack triple digits with Lamar and Mahomes doing the heavy lifting for both teams. Kyle, optimistically waiting for Tee Higgins to cash in on multiple targets during MNF, only to fall short 100-97. Nice win Lucas…not thrilling, but nice.
And speaking of waiting it out on MNF, Mitch, needing an escort to the scoring orgy, and still looking for a big game from his #1 pick Ja’Marr, sweated it out for 3 quarters, chipping away at Helsing’s lead: no, no, yes, no, no, yes, no, no yes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, wait a minute….YEESSS!! The Blair Mitch Project emerged on top of the high-scoring battle 128-118 serving up the commish his second loss of the season, after baiting him with texts all weekend long. Ah yes, the servant waits, while the master baits.
And finally, Count da Money…De Mo-nay!…De Mo-nay! once again fell short after putting the scare into Craig, who scrambled all week trying to put together a trade for injured starter Eckeler. Insider reports have I Drew Bernaise gettting a bit saucy with Jay’s offer of Breece Hall before settling on Roumalade Stevenson. In the end though it came down to the Vamp leaving Love and Zack Moss sauce on the bench as Craig prevailed 97-83. I think we all pull for the vamp, unless we’re facing him, but I’m OK with Ruben’s bad luck up to this point. It’s only week 3 and the last 2 weeks its only been a matter of match-ups and close roster calls. His team is no joke even without the inevitable first rounders he’ll pluck off our rosters. I foresee a sytematic torture that will surely ensue. It’s coming…nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition (haha a theme for another time).
Next up for the Vamp: Kyle and Guillermo de la Cruz
As an added bonus, and to send you into TNF with an all-day ear worm:
Week 4
The commish and Blair Mitch made the trip down to Tucson for parents weekend where Mitch went all Frank the Tank, showing those college pukes how real men party. I would have loved to post the actual gif to lead into the diaries, but the Ruttenberg family has denied all requests for the footage. Will Farrell’s reenactment is all I got for you so put on your earmuffs kids its time for the Old School edition of the Diaries.
The Commish and Scotty’s match-up was a complete waste of a Sunday. There’s more action in the wallpaper aisles of home Depot and Bed, Bath & Beyond. Helsing “wins” 79-59 Can’t say I’m proud of the victory. However, I feel confident that when we get the autopsy back, It’ll show that Team Whine died of natural causes: 2 players cracking double digits. But Scotty’s team is shitty, and that’s what shitty teams do: they die. All we are is dust in the wind. You’re my boy Blue!
The Menstrual Vamp’s are dripping blood everywhere. IR designations for 3 starters and a TE with 2nd degree burns on his face. But the fantasy gods smiled on Jay this weekend as he upset previously undefeated All-Bark, No Dan 115- 102, overcoming 45 pts from CMC. Josh Allen came up big with 36 pts for the crimson crusaders. Jay’s squad is on the rebound, like an injured young fawn who’s been nursed back to health and is finally going to be released back into the wilderness. And maybe saving his season, I can see Jonathan Taylor on the horizon…and he looks glorious!
I’d like to welcome everyone to the Kyle Crafton Freedom Festival. Now for those of you who don’t know who Kyle is, he’s the very successful, Covid-free gentleman sitting at the corner of the taproom bar, drinking to the fact that Ruben left both Nico Collins (32pts) and De’Von Achane (26pts) on his bench. The Vamp came oh so close again, falling to Guillermo de la Cruz 119-102. Count da Money hit big with Kyren Williams (26 pts) and Puka (27 pts). Jordan Love proved to be a solid starter chipping in 18, but Kyle countered with some big-time results from Diggs (33 pts) Josh Jacobs (24 pts) and DJ Moore (23 pts). He even overcame a -6 from his DST and left Richardson’s 29 pts on his bench, but then who’s benching Mahomes? So the vamp heads back to his castle out in Gilbertvania still winless.
Wow, Jonah just took a tranq dart in the juggular. He fell hard into the deep end sinking fast like he had a 30-lb cinderblock tied to his penis, only to wake up getting tongue from I Drew Stiffler. Craig is this week’s top-scoring team firing up a rhino-piercing 148 points countered by the swarm’s drone-like 86 pts. Craig rattled the hive on TNF with 33 pts from David Montgomery, following up on Sunday with 34 from AJ Brown and 26 from the Dallas D. That was really about all Craig needed to dispose Jonah who’s now dropped 2 straight after starting the season 2-0. 148 pts Craig…Crazy! You’re crazy man, Crazy!
Everyone remember team Cheese? Casey put him in the dumpster back in week 1. Oh yeah, Cheeeeese! Well it looks like he got out and is on a solid 3-game winning streak. Who’s going streaking? Not Mitch. Dean Ramirez put an end to Mitchapalooza double-teaming the godfather 139-109. Lucas got 28 and 24 pts from the Lamarr/Yeti tandem and another 18 from his kicker. Blair Mitch just couldn’t catch Lucas, even with Pacheco going off and a ridiculous 24 from Cole Kmet. He may not have come up big on the scoresheet, but Mitch came up big where it counted, proving to the Wildkittens that he is the king…Gentlemen, we are playing pretend football with a living legend.
Week 4 is done boys, like a dispatched beer bong. So take a deep breath, reset your lineups and and get ready for the next one. Fantasy football is a lot like this week’s theme: a bunch of good friends acting like jackasses and having fun while it lasts. In the immortal words of Frank the Tank: Fill it up again! Fill it up again! Once it hits your lips, its so good.
Vampireverse fact: The latest a vampire has gone into the season without a win is 5 weeks. There was a fluke win in week 1 back in our inaugural season but the details oddly escape me. I aslo don’t recall a vampire averaging close to 100 pts per week, so odds are not looking good for his next few opponents
Next up for the Vamp: Lucas and Team Cheese.
Week 5
Bizet’s “Toreador March” started playing early this week on TNF as the Commanders completely shit the bed against the previously winless NFL Bad News Bears. The baseball playoffs are here with (mostly) some great ball being played. And even though it is severely depressing to see the Orioles swept out of the ALDS (by a Texas team no less!), this week was chock full of sports and cervezas. These diaries are dedicated to those loveable scamps who started out a disfunctional laughing stock, only to somehow pull it together and turn their season around. For those of us sitting below the Mendoza line 5 games into the season, we can only aspire to follow the same script. So strap on your cups its time for the Bad News Bears Edition of the diaries.
The commish refused to wear a cup or field a kicker and got kicked right in the yamsack by Casey. The lackluster Commanders D(-5pts) put Helsing in a hole he just couldn’t crawl out of. Etienne’s (34 pts) and Aaron Jone’s late scratch gave me some hope but All Bite, No Dan woke up Tuesday with the W and sits in first place at 4-1. iVan Helsing at 2-3 is in 7th place. Hope there’s booze in the glove compartment.
Team cheese happily wore their fresh off IR Kupp. Lupus just stuck his glove out and the win miraculously dropped in the webbing. Cheese slipped by Ruben 105-92. The vamp hit on Puka (17) Thielen (22) and Achane (21-now on IR), but left Zack Morris’ 32 on the bench. And then Love whiffed on MNF. When asked for a comment Ruben said “eso duele”. I’ve been brushing up on my Spanish and I believe the vamp is saying something about Jordan Love eating a Dick. Lupus and team Queso are in second place at 4-1. Count da Money is penniless and winless in the cellar.
The battle of the brother-in-laws had all the back and forth action of arcade air hockey. Jalen Hurts and Josh Allen both put up 27, Breece Hall was a stud for Jay, and both Goedert and LaPorta had strong games. I feel I need to mention that the Cowboys -3 was almost enough to slip the puck past Craig, but he’s been on the pill since he was 11. Bloodsoe squeaks out the win over Jay by 0.36 pts. Bloodsoe is in third place at 4-1. The Menstrual Vamps sit at 2-3 in sixth.
Guillermo De La Cruz put up the top score of the week exterminating the swarm 145-102. Jonah got 33 from Fields and another 18 from the Jets D, but it was no match for Kyle’s crew after the DC secondary spotted him a 45 pt head start by refusing to cover DJ Moore. Once the dust settled, the Swarm looked like it took a piñata beating from the entire 7th grade. Kyle wins easy 146-102. GDLC is. in 4th at 3-2 while Desert Swarm is in 8th place.
Mitch and Scott both had strong showings as they battled it out in another close one. Joe Burrow finally showed up for Scotty with 23pts. Unfortunately for Team Whine Joe B was primarily throwing to Ja’Marr Chase who racked up a crazy 45 pts! Final score Blair Mitch 123, Team Scotty 121. I’ll leave Scott alone this week as he was very sympathetic with his Oriole’s condolence. Besides, he’s one up from the cellar at 1-4, lost to Mitch, and likely to shave half my beard off and shove it up my left nostril. Blair Mitch is in 5th place at 3-2.
Next up for the Vamp: Mitch and the Blair Mitch Project. Mitch lost James Conner to IR and after his blockbuster trade for Tua finds himself on a very thin roster that can’t afford to lose a stud to the vamp.
Week 6
The Vamp is alive! After his long slumber, traveling across a vast distance from Gilbertvania, Count da Money has taken his first victim and is ready for a night out on the town. Lets just hope Guillermo doesn’t surprise him with roses. After Kyle named his team Guillermo de la Cruz the commish decided to move Shadows up on his watch list. If you haven’t seen it, time to start binging, it’s fucking hilarious! All the references are from season 1 which I just finished up. I don’t expect Scott to get the references, but since he claims to never read the diaries and hates everything vampire-related, I could really give a bat’s ass. He also refuses to watch Tommy boy, so: theme coming soon. Get out your formal capes and witch-skin hat (definitely cursed) its time for the What We Do in the Shadows edition of the diaries.
Ruben, famished and weak from a lack of nourishment was last seen doing shots of Mitch blood in the VIP room. The count hit on Kyren Williams (22) Thielen (23) and the Chiefs D (17) taking a 27 pt lead into MNF needing to weather Blair Mitch’s Eckler and Pollard. This came down to a tackle from behind on Pollard that would have put Mitch ahead, but instead the Vamp takes the win 104-97 and with it Eckler joins the undead party…Shots, Shots, Shots, Shots!
Scotty, The Lost Boyz’ energy vamp, rumbled with All Bite no Dan’s pack of werewolves. Scott has recently taken up the art of bush manipulation and wasn’t too happy when when ABND started it off by defiling his lovely topiary threatening to quit (shocker): “I’m not doing this if your man Mostert (32pts) is going piss on the wall” But Scott knows the best way to drain people’s energy is via the internet, so he logged into the ESPN fantasy app and constructed a strong lineup with Tyreek’s 25 doing the biggest damage and sucking the life right out of Casey. Team whine emerges the winner 109-102. So Scotts not quite done yet only one game back from the 4-team scrum just ahead in the rankings. He also received interesting DNA results indicating he’s 100% whine.
The commish stabbed Bloodsoe 5,000 times with one hand, switched hands and stabbed him another 5,000 times. I Drew Bloodsoe’s lineup seemed to be made from creepy paper (creepy paper, ohh-multipack) Pierce, Montgomery and Deebo all left their contests early with injuries while Helsing got production up and down the roster even getting 25 from Dak. Helsing puts up the top score of the week toppling Craig’s 115-83. Very weak effort Bledsoe…Has living in Tucson made you a big, wet pussy?
Team Cheese, seeking total domination, feasted on vampire league virgin Jonah. Vampire veterans love virgins-they’re their favorite food. With JJ on IR, and Justin Fields busting his hand, the swarm was an easy kill for Lucas. Jonah asked for mercy, but team fromage said “No, I’m pillaging everyone, you included” Lucas was relentless. In the old country Lucas is known as Lucas the relentless because he would just never relent. Team fromage wins handily 111-68.
Jay and Kyle gathered in the fancy room a secret showdown. All secret showdowns are in the fancy room. Guillermo de la Cruz is apparently not familiar with the importance of drafting 2 players at every position and took a zero from a bye in the TE slot. Jay didn’t exactly light up the scoresheet, but then he really didn’t need to as special meetings are exclusively for vampires (or ex-vamps). No Guillermo, Menstrual Vamps only: Jay wins 95-88.
Well that’s this week’s edition of the diaries…until next week BAT! (poof)
Next up for the Vamp: Jonah and Desert Storm.
Week 7
Let me tell you why I suck at fantasy football. Lets say I go into the weekend up by 45 pts. Well I get all excited, I’m like JoJo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. The pet is my possible victory. Oh my pretty little pet, I love you. So I stroke it, I pet it, I massage it, hehe, I love my naughty little pet…you’re naughty. Then I take my naughty pet and I rip it to shreds. uuuuuhh. I killed it, I killed my win. Thats when people like us have to forge ahead. Am I right Helsing? That’s a nice team name, you look like a Helsing. Holy Schnikes! Its the Tommy boy edition of the diaries.
Now I could have left my flex position open in the likelihood that some ass-clown refuses to list Bijan Robinson (0.3 pts on 1 carry) on the injury report. That’s fantasy 101. You’d think I’d know that after 5 years of commishing the vampire league and zero championships. But hey, lots of teams go years without winning their first championship…yeah their called Rangers (and Suns). The commish saw his lead dwindle and Mahomes put up a Mahome’s-like 33 pts completing Kyles comeback as Guillermo wins the only matchup where both teams cracked triple digits 115-108 over Helsing. Leave the flex position open…I knew that, why can’t I remember it?
Bees! Bees! Bees everywhere! God they’re huge and they’re sting crazy! Run away, your fangs are useless against them! Jonah’s swarm fought off the vamp when everyone had all but conceded a win for Ruben. Despite taking a zero in the DST slot- for failing to draft 2 defenses as most rookies do, Jonah got a big game from Jahmyr Gibbs (23) and Cousins (21 on MNF). It was just enough to beat the vamp who like most of the ‘verse had a crap weekend. Desert swarm wins by a pube 87-86 over Count da Money. Ruben is now 1-6 and really needs to hustle to avoid the spoiler tag.
Things were looking up for Scotty, on a 1-game win streak, up early on Craig with Tyreek pitching in 20. But then Deshaun Watson (-1.8) tweaked his rotator cuff and headed for the trainers tent (yikes-that just sounds wrong). Bledsoe who took a zero for the Cowboys D, obviously prayed to the God of Philly punks as the tandem Hurts/AJ combined for 58 pts and Craig sailed by team Whine 95-79 just as Whine was getting ready to jam an oar up his ass . Scotty, at 2-5 is still in a position to grab a playoff spot as there are six teams with 3 or 4 wins Lucas and Craig are on top with 6 and 5 wins respectively. But you can just see it coming: Forget it, I quit. I can’t do this anymore. My heads about to explode. My team sucks, this whole league sucks. My studs are on a bye. My QB’s a handsy dickhead. I just killed Bambi. Im out here getting my ass kicked every week. And every time I drive to 1227 I wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamn bridge abutment. Perhaps the only thing to make it better was If I were to take out Ivan in the process. I took a little poetic license there as (true story) on Scotty’s birthday he said if he could kill one person it would be the commish. Thin line between love and hate, but your’e still my boy Blue (mixing themes dbl tap).
Not much to watch in Casey and Mitch’s snoozefest. And speaking of nobody’s watching…I’m assuming Blair Mitch and ABND were up all night watching Spanktravision as their starters slept in on Sunday. Casey ironically should have played with his Dicker and taken a chance on CMC’s questionable designation (28 pts with that combo). Can’t say anyone’s a winner when 82 pts takes it, but with the 83-73 result, Mitch catches All Bark No Dan in the standings at 4-3. Hey Casey…whose your favorite little Rascal? Is it Alfalfa, or is it Spanky?…sinner.
You can get a good look at a t-bone stake by sticking your head up a vampire’s ass, but you’re better off taking the commish’s word on it: Lucas is killing it right now. MV was not tipping any cows on the field of play this weekend. Team dairy put up the top score of the week hitting Jay with a 2×4 across the jawline. Not so much here or here…more there. Lucas scores 129 pts to Jays 99. That’s gonna leave a mark. Just no chance for the Menstrual Vamps with 2 studs on a bye. You’d need to eat a lotta paint chips to think Jay was overcoming Lamar’s 34 and Kelce’s 30. Cheese is all alone in first with 6 wins and the Menstrual vamps at 3-4 are in the thick of the muck and look strong despite the injuries. Hey Jay, that doesn’t smell like muck. MV can not afford to lose a player to the vamp next week.
So thats it for week 7, a rough week for most. Enjoy a cold one and if you find yourself at 1227 tonight, have a couple with me. Drink one and use the other one to ice down your marbles
-yours, C
Next up for the Vamp: Jay and the Menstrual Vamps.
Week 8
Halloween is not just women dressing in slutty costumes. Although that is admittedly my favorite part. For the vampireverse it marks the halfway point of the season where usually there is a clear separation of the haves and have nots. But this year has been a bit different. A case could be made for Lucas, but he’s only 2 games up on the peleton with a .500 record. The vamp has but one kill and is on life support. Even Scotty is but one game off the pace. No nostalgic theme this week gents, lets just get to it and assess where we are.
Lucas must have overdone it on the junk food as he threw up a stinker this weekend. The commish on the other hand, came up big scoring 129 to Team Cheez-its 87. Helsing got scary numbers from Dak (28) Etienne (24) and great 8th-rounder! Kamara (25). Lucas is still alone in first at 6-2, but the commish is only a win streak away (although I haven’t won 2 in a row all season) at 4-4. Still, for this weekend at least, I’m your Sugar Daddy Lucas.
The closest game of the week had All Bit-o-honey and I drew Bloodpops clawing it out over the last piece of candy in the bowl. Craig got 29, 27 and 17 from the 3 Musketeers AJ/Hurts/Dallas combo pack and then Milk Duds from the rest of his lineup. Christian McCadbury (27) continues to lead the way for Casey, who also whipped out his Dicker (17 pts-just better than using a Snickers pun) claiming Alpha status and laughing at Craig as he ran away in defeat 114-101. Both are 5-3 and in second Place, but Casey leads all in points scored with 967 pts through 8 games.
Jonarh Mints put the Crunch on the BlAirheads as Jahmyr and Jaylen teamed up for 49 pts and done for the season Kirk bar chipped in 20 before tearing his achilles. Mitch Kat got 42 from Tua and Ja’Mars bar but a buch of Krackel from the rest of his lineup. Final Skor: JuJu Bees 128 Blair Twix 90. Mitch and Jonah at 4-4 are tied with 5 others in a battle of mediocrity. Jonah will need to separate by wins as his 776 pts is far off the pace and only tops the vamp in scoring.
Sour Patch Kid Scotty hit PayDay this week as team Red Vine finally got Good and Plenty of skoring from his Bengals teammates Bazooka Joe Burrow and Mixon (48pts combined) and 21 pts from Ty Spree-k. Kyle should egg and TP his own house as his team was passing out apple cores. 80 pts?? That’s worse than the crappy Mounds/Almond Joy combo or the toothbrush your neighborhood dentist passed out. Whine Rolos over Guillermo 122-80. GDLC is is the mosh pit at 4-4. Scott at 3-5 is just one game back. You’d think after such a bad start he’d be a Jolly Rancher to still be in the mix, but the free flow of candy puns will have lost him in the second paragraph of the diaries after “slutty costumes” held his attention briefly.
And that brings us to the Vamp. Ruben, just don’t see how you get enough wins and pts to make the playoffs. Not mathematically eliminated, but its now the dreaded spoiler role for Count da Gummy. Jay and his top-scoring team of the week Mentos Vamps put the Gobstopper on Ruben’s hopes ripping the vamp to Reese’s Pieces 135-81. MV got a full sized effort from Josh Allen (29) and a Whopper game from Sweetie Lamb (35) while Ruben only hit on the Chiefs D (12) and obvious choice Baustin Baked Beans Ekeler (20). Besides that it was all fun-size from the vamp’s crew. Count da Money is still in the coffin at 1-6. The Menstrual Vamps are at 4-4, but with 907 pts has the tie-breaker advantage on the Cluster Bar at .500
Next up for the Vamp: The commish and iVan Helsing.
Week 9
Hey commish, I see you got Etienne with you. Bang! Hey commish, Etienne ain’t with you no more. Damn! Shot down in daylight. Sonofa! The Vamp is coming to settle a score with the league. Ruben has been deputized spoiler, so mount up Regulators and hit the Bon Jovi playlist, its the Young Guns edition of the diaries.
My soundtrack has Weird Al singing “Shot Down in a Blaze of Glory hole” as I had my dick out claiming vile usage on the vamp and Dallas. Well at least Dallas lost, but Ruben sliced off my Etienne and rode off fangs blazing. Felt a little like the Murphy man who got shot in the outhouse. Taking a morning shit and Bang!Bang! Gus Edwards had already scored 2 point blank TDs. My entire team took a shit in week 9. Ironically except Dak who kept me in it with 29pts. Ruben hit on just enough getting a late surge from Baker (19) a solid 20 from first blood Ekeler and a big 18 pts from the Raiders D. Count da Money wins 102-80 and adds 20 weekly pts to his 2nd RB slot. Guess I better get used to Etienne being on a permanent bye. Vampire cock leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
Did you know pigs is as smart as dogs? Its true. I knew this guy in el Capitan who taught his pig to bark at strangers. Now All Bite-no Dan must be one of them dumb-ass breeds (a Chi-huahua right Casey 😬) as 5 players shared the same bye week. But then just having CMC on the bench was the real killer. Casey’s squad also took a hog-sized dump this week. Herbert (7pts) stifled by the Jets was his last gasp on MNF as Guillermo De la Cruz wins easily 99-82 despite Kyle leaving 30pts on the bench (Hopkins/Higgins). GDLC kicker Koo added 19 pts (Fahking Guy!..Shadows dbl tap). Hey you aint no regulator, Stone boy. You just stay here with the pork. They’re smarter than you anyway. You might learn something.
We might all learn something from Jonah. With Justin Fields out and Cousins on IR, The Hive added CJ Stroud to the bee posse and it immediately paid off with 41 pts. Jonah’s top-scoring team of the week leaves neighbor Jay bleeding out in the trough 128-104. Swarm headed into the weekend with no QB and JJ still out. The Menstrual Vamps fresh off a 135 pt week 8 showing. He could have very easily surrendered, come out with his hands held high…Hands held high?(hahaha) Jonah decided instead to reason with the Colonel of Cramps…Hey colonel Shithead. You can kiss my ass! well played Jonah.
Craig spent last weekend in the southern Arizona dessert, obviously doing a ton of peyote as he left inactive Dameon Pierce in his starting lineup…granted Akers isn’t tipping the tables in your favor, so it may have been his spirit animal telling him Rhamondre (21) would pick up the slack facing the Manders D. Hurts (26) and Cowboy Schultz (22) also had big games for Craig topping Blair Mitch 103-99. El Mitcho must have felt pretty confident heading into Sunday’s nightcap game after getting 21 from da Bears Kmet and 23! from da Browns D, but the spirit world had other plans. Of note: BMs(heh) newly acquired Kenneth Walker had 2 pts while traded Pollard had a mere 8, but that would have been enough..ouch!
And finally Wine and Cheese besties had their annual Catalina mixer (easter egg for future theme) with Scotty emptying a bottle of rose and 2 six-shooters into Lucas’s soft goat cheese lineup. Yes Lamar had a weak (11pt) outing, but Lucas swiss-cheesed his team with 6 players on bye. So the resulting 107-74 gun down really came as no surprise. The two friends kissed and made up, riding off into the sunset. Scotty: “Damn good riding with you Chaveeze”. Lucas: “Many nights ,my friend….many nights. I’ve put a blade to your throat while you were sleeping. Glad I never killed you Scotty. You’re all right.”
Next up for the Vamp: Scotty and team Whine.
Week 10
No theme this week, feel like the vampireverse has been Scottified. Nobody reads the diaries, the smack has become g-rated. What the fuck guys. I’d say this ranks as one of the best vampire seasons yet. 10 weeks in and everyone is in the hunt, except Ruben, but he hunts every week and he can take your season away if you’re on the schedule in the next 4 weeks (Casey/Craig /Kyle/Lucas). Me and Mitch have already surrendered our top pick. Scott hung onto Tyreek by his chinny chin chin. Buckle up bitches the Bela is up for grabs. Its the no theme edition of the Diaries.
The vamp is dead. I’m calling it. I’m sure there is some bizarre scenario were everyone ties and he runs the table averaging 150 a week, but that’s not happening. He will however affect the outcome of the season in these next 4 weeks. Just ask Scotty how he’d feel if he didn’t squeak out the win on MNF when his TE Kincaid (14) scored and Javonte (19) had his best game of the season. Had Ruben played Tank Dell (16 on his bench) with Nico Collins injured he’d be adding Tyreek Hill to the vamp squad. Team whine survives with Tyreek on a bye 115-112 beating the vamp on a strong outing by Count da Money who hit big with TE McBride (13) Singleton (23) and ex-Blair Mitcher Ekeler (20). Etienne’s vanilla 5 points were actually the difference. Scott is now in a 5-way tie for 3rd place at 5-5.
Also deadlocked in mediocrity at 5-5: Jonah and the commish. Quite the slugfest for a couple of teams that just haven’t string together a win streak. Jonah and the Swarm jumped out to a seemingly dominant lead with RBs Robinson and Gibbs combinig for 50 pts. A zero for the TE slot hurt, but the commish pulled off a big comeback with Dak (38) Keenan (35) and kicker Myers (21). Top scoring team of the week Helsing takes the win 154-34 over Dessert Swarm.
Jay, who recovered from multiple injuries early in the season also finds himself at 5-5 after thumping Mitch 107-99. CeeDee (34) led the way with newly acquired Bijan (17) putting this one away. Mitch made it surprisingly close as Ja’marr (21) Keneth Walker (19) and the Browns D (15) tried to overcome a bland output from the rest of the BMs. Tua’s bye replacement Trever (2pts) and Jahan Dotson’s zilch iced things for Jay. Mitch is a game below the playoff peleton at 4-6 and 2 games from the cellar where the vamps coffin resides.
Casey put together a strong effort as Herbert (28)Hockinson (25) and Evans (23) led the way to victory almost all by themselve as Lucas could not overcome a weak Lamar (13) outing and 1 point combined from the bottom 3 slots in his lineup. Both All Bite-No Dan and Cheescake are 6-4, one game up on the masses.
Craig is all alone atop the rankings at 7-3 after blowing out Kyle 115-82. Nothing spectacular out of Bledsoe, just a solid all around performance from everyone. Guillermo can’t even blame Mahomes’ bye as Russell Wilson put up a decent 19pts. The rest of GDLC was just that awful. Kyle is (surprise) 5-5 and tied with the rest of us trying to create some separation and hopefully getting past the vamp in a couple weeks.
Next up for the Vamp: Casey and All Bark-No Dan
Week 11 preview
As this is the first season we’ll have a wildcard, keep an eye on your total points. The First 5 in the standings make the post-season and the final spot is awarded to the team from the remaining 5 with the highest point total. Here’s where we all stand:
1-All Bite-no dan (1181) 2-Menstrual Vamps (1118) 3-Helsing (1104) 4-Bledsoe (1059) 5-Cheese (1053) 6-Desert Swarm (1039) 7-Whine (1030) 8-Guillermo De la Cruz (1002) 9-Blair Mitch Project (101) 10-Count da Money (924).
Possible steals for the vamp: All Bite-No…(CMC) Bledsoe (AJ Brown) Guillermo De la Cruz (Mahomes/Diggs) Cheese (Lamar/Kelce).
Week 12
Week 11 was a bye week for the Diaries as the commish was hung over on beer, wine, weed and tryptophan. Feel I need to come back big so I’m bringing back a vampireverse top-ten theme, a personal fave, and of course most importantly, one that will annoy Scotty…So get ready for lots of smooth soft rock ear worms and seas of puns. That’s right mateys, its time for the Yacht Rock 2 edition of the Diaries.
What a matchup! Casey with the Baby Comeback, you can blame it all on CMC (Player) track to open up this mix tape. This was a true slugfest with Jonah cooking up some sweet Sugar,Sugar awww Honey, Honey (the Archies) in the hive as the Swarm put up 135 points led by another killer bee performance from CJ hey, hey, you, you get off of my Stroud (31)…I know the Stones aren’t yacht rock but I’m channeling my inner Chris Berman, so “don’t go breaking my balls.” (poetic license on Elton John’s Duet with Kiki Dee). Casey had an answer as CMC(28) Mike Evans (22) and Raheem Weaver (Gary Wright) mounted a comeback capped off by a 4th quarter TD from TJ Hockinson. All Bite, no Dan wins by a feathered pube: 136-135. Casey Still the One (Orleans) on top of the standings at 8-4. Jonah (5-7) drops a game below the bubble. Pick it up rookie or the playoffs will Miss You (Rolling Stones)..OK, I’m comfortable with Mick Jagger making the cut on this whiney attempt at disco when Bianca dumped his ass.
And as long as we’re talking whiney bitches, Scotty is back in “i’m done with this lame vampire league” mode after briefly flirting with contention. Under the allusion that he’d be Sailing (Christopher Cross) to a victory early on as he was Lost in Love’s (Air Supply) 27 pt effort. But not even Tyreek’s Hey 19 (Steely Dan) points made a dent as Jay Rode Like the Wind (Christopher Cross) to this week’s top score 151-97 over Whine. Scott of course refused to pay his beer fine after hitting waivers early for Baker Street (Gerry Rafferty) I guess claiming immunity as a former league champ, Scott has said there was nothing wrong with his perfect waiver wire pickup (Mar-a-Lagos😁). On that point We Just Disagree (Dave Mason). Scott joins the commish on the bubble at 6-5 while the Menstrual Vamps are one game out of first at 7-4.
Also 7-4 after week 12, Cheese and Guillermo de la Pablo Cruise. Kyle got 41 pts from Just the Two of Us (Grover Washington) duet of Mahomes and Jacobs but the 23 from Miami’s D gave the rook the W over Cheese 117-102. My Cherie Lamar (Stevie Wonder) scored a very average 15 points. That’s the Dirty Lowdown (Boz Scaggs) on team Cheese, Lucas is sunk unless his QB goes off. His other stud Kelce can go off any week, but his average game is still usually 5 points more than most tight ends. The vamp will have a hard time picking a target from Cheese in the final game. Lucas’ early league dominance seems like a mere Summer Breeze (Seals & Croft) now.
Craig needed a big game this week to pull off the win over the vamp. I think we all knew it was over this week after Jalen Hurts so Bad (Linda Ronstadt) put up 35 for Craig. The rest of Bled-soe Into you (Atlanta Rhythm Section) outplayed their projections except former Cowboy Schultz (no music reference just enjoy any past/present Dallas failures). Seems like Ruben has been Reminiscing (Little River Band) one missed call each week that spares his opponent and keeps this Maneater (Hall & Oates) hungry. Bledsoe enjoys his Sweet Freedom (Michael MacDonald) turning back Ruben 139-106. The vamp hit big with Kyren Williams (35) and a solid 20 from Kyler Murray, but the rest of his picks hung him out to dry.
The commish likes wins over Mitch and Pina Coladas (Rupert Holmes). Blair Mitch was never in this one with Pacheco and Chase the only players to score in double digits. Mitch is flat-lining after 12 weeks. Helsing QB (32 pts) gave Mitch a heart a Dak-Dak-Dak-Dak-Dak, he outta know by now(Billy Joel) that his season’s over. At 4-8 The Blair Mitch Project is singing Wiccan Blues (Steeley Dan) as the only other threat to wear the Cape of shame all alone one spot up from the cellar. Oh what a lonely boy (Andrew Gold). Helsing is in the final playoff spot after an easy like Sunday morning (Lionel Ritchie) 111-78 win and as the leagues 3rd leading scorer looks to be in position for at the very least, the wildcard spot. Thats it for week 12 crew, sail on (Commodores).
Next up for the Vamp: Kyle and Guillermo de la Cruz
Season's End and Playoffs
No Playoffs for you! Mitch and Ruben are out. They’ll be no repeat for Blair Mitch in 2023…come back 1 year! Week 13 saw the vampire swipe Kyle’s shmoopie Mahomes, putting him on the bubble, boy it looks like the lopper’s axe for Guillermo. Casey beat Jay taking away his playoff buffer zone. Helsing iced his spot in the playoffs by defeating Scotty and the Whiners. The commish sweeps the season series with frenemy Scott, proving he is master of the vampire domain Craig assured himself of the last chocolate Bye-bka man-handling noob Jonah. The stage was set for a feats of strength contest for the wildcard spot, although if we’re sticking to this year’s theme, it’ll just be an airing of grievances. Grab your Festivus pole gang, its time for the Seinfeld edition of the Diaries.
Week 14 saw new man Jonah take the wildcard spot..New man! The Swarm took Guillermo out himself. Scotty on the other hand, dies by his own hand and in the end has no hand in the run for the Bela. The main advocate for the wildcard rule, team Whine looked to rectify 2 yrs of high scores and no playoff appearances, however, the opposite of this instinct is what played out. Rather than taking the last spot, Scotty loses to the Swarm by 12 total season points and is out (I’m out!) of the 2023 contest as Jonah sidles into the wildcard slot…New man! Time to start looking for a time share in Del Boca Vista Scotty (there’s nothing available). And remember how he team whined about the $50 bounty for eliminating the vampire. Guess who would have taken that side pot?…Awww, Thatsashame!
The first round of the playoffs saw the commish and Jay exit the playoff pool with major shrinkage. Neither team topped the century mark. Jay limp-dicked his effort and Jonah Swarmed (swarm!swarm!) around “breath-taking” preformances from Jahmyr Gibbs, Rachaad. White and Jaylen Waddle (combined 70 pts)…no way George Costanza spells those correctly. The Swarm defeats the Mestrual Vamps 109-92. MV exits the playoffs a bloody mess…un-spongeworthy of another vampire league title. In the other Rd 1 matchup, the commish shriveled up like a frightened turtle as Lucas Kenny-Roastered Helsing 113-84 behind James Cook’s 35pts. This iVan won’t be a rocking into round 2 as Cheese ends up a knocking the commish out. Hoochie Momma!
Round-tine 2 of the playoffs saw the exact same result as the Swarm and Cheese even-Stevened to another win. Casey pulled out to dominating lead and it appeared that Lucas had chosen not to run (-5 from his defense to start). What looked like a Cheese performance about (less than) nothing, was quite the comback for Lucas. Team Cheese has seen more on again off again this season than Puddy and Elaine. Casey once again put up sponge-worthy numbers netting 117 with CMC (22) doing his thing, replacement QB Stafford (21) filling in nicely and Mike Evans having a season’s best (24), but Lucas came back baby! putting up the top score leap Froggering All Bite No Dan 120-117. Lamar, Kittle and Amon-Ra did the heavy lifting each scoring over 20pts. In the end, it may have been DC homer Casey choosing the Commanders D to lead him to the title. Not that there’s anything wrong with that..but yes, yes there is. Great season Casey: Top-scoring team of the season, nothing fake about your run at the Bela. It was real and it was spectacular!
In the other final (Seinfeld) Four matchup, Newman! Jonah was Top of the Muffin scoring 134 pts to Bledsoe’s 99 dropping off Craig’s muffin stumps at the homeless shelter, where they still sit as 99 pts is an insult to crack heads and top-seeded teams alike. Bledsoe got decent points from Hurts and Zeke, but the rest of his crew stopped short of double digits. Great season Craig, but no soup for you! Jonah scored from everywhere, Fields, Gibbs and welcome back to form Justin Jefferson putting up 70 combined. The entire vampireverse just assumed no rookie could make it to the finals. Well…Desert Swarm: “This is Jonah Booker. You think you can keep me out of the Chompionship game? I’m moving in lock stock and barrel. I’m gonna be in the pool. I’m gonna be in the 1227 pubhouse. I’m gonna be all over that shuffleboard court, and I dare you to keep me out!”
Chompionship Preview
Well it’s Lucas and Team Cheese VS Jonah and the Desert Swarm. Chompionship Sunday is the 31st..Let’s meet up at 1227 around noon for the beers and Chubb (bring dollah bills). Mitch bring the Lugosi, I’ll bring chips and habanero salsa…The commish likes his chips spicy!
