Vampire Diaries

Pre-season

Welcome to the 2022 edition of the Diaries.  This will be our first ever pre-draft edition, so lets get to it.  The commish has heard your concerns, well let’s be honest..due to incessant bitching,  we’ve opted to add a twist to this year’s format.  I feel pretty confident that we’ve perfected the current format where you can stash players as long as you field a complete team.  This year the  vamp will choose in advance the player he is coming for on his opponent’s roster and if he defeats his opponent he will be allowed to force a trade surrendering a player from his starting lineup that plays the same position for said chosen target.  Some of you are slow (yes Fapsilvania I’m looking at you) so read that run-on sentence again. That’s right, no stashing this year.  Fittingly, Craig was picked as the vampire and will reap all the benefits of the new twist after setting off a shit storm with last year’s historic “stash-win”.

Another tweak this year is that there will be a 24 hour review period on trades by commish-appointed special master (or whoever chimes in at the 1227 taproom).  The honor system obviously a failure,  but I can’t say I’m surprised.  Our sole aim is to defeat and humiliate each other.  Besides, the Bela Lugosi trophy is pretty sweet.  Anyhow,  not nitpicking trades, just show that there is a value to both parties, no trades when you are all but eliminated, and yes, 4pm trades are “pushing it”…although there was value there.

Draft wisely gents.  You have been provided my wise council in the past but I feel compelled to give you this reminder (see “slow” above): check byes, the week you play the Vampire, and draft 2 players at all positions.  Not that anyone ever checks the gold from the website, but there’s a page labelled “strategy”.

No puns or themes on the pre-season Diares…don’t want to pull a hammy.   Just know that I’ll do my best to provide midweek must-read entertainment and most importantly, annoy Scotty. 

Week 1

zero.zero…fat drunk and stupid is no way to draft.  Yeah Akers was a kick in the yamsack, but Diggs and the rest of Delta Delta Helsing hung on to squeak by the Fangless Bus who’s GPA was somehow lower.  Final score: 100-97.   Seven years of fantasy down the drain Sean, might as well join the fucking peace core.

Well the vamp had a rough initiation.  Brian woke up all hung over from his 2021 last place finish just in time to stumble his auto-draft lineup across the the finish line 98-74.  And what’s up Craig?  You protesting vampire pledge names?  That’s so last year.  Your pledge name is now Count Pinto.  Why Pinto? (burp)…Why not?

Reigning champ Jay couldn’t claim legacy and Floundered (first official pun of the season) to an 0-1 start.  Menstrual Vamp’s worthless and weak wide receivers now on double-secret probation.   The Bears Den with a very impressive 118-107 win despite a zero.zero from scratched Dobbins.  If you’re looking to score from the flex Mitch, you might want to pick up HOF cougar Mrs Dean Wormer from the vegetable waiver aisle…or just check inactives before breakfast zipperitas.

New pledge Casey jumped out to a quick lead, but was it over when the German’s bombed Pearl Harbor?  Hell no!,  Tuanfinity and Beyond came storming back and put up the week’s top score 153-123.  Lucas obviously still refusing to vampify his team name…Pixar?  Might as well name your team after your kicker.  Click here for the Tuanfinity fight song.

Do they have toga parties in the hood?  Straight Outta Coffin and the Adams Family (love the name Scott) were up all night doing keg stands and scoring points.  Thirty points from Saquon the difference as Ruben takes the win 129-110.  Year 1 champ Ruben has had a rough couple of seasons since, but looks strong out of the gate.  Scotty, my advice to you…start drinking heavily.

Week one in the books gents…Toga!Toga!Toga!

Next up for the Vamp: Lucas and Tuanfinity and Beyond

Week 2

This week’s diaries are dedicated to that rag-tag band of rebel underdogs that beat all the odds and came back to defeat the evil empire.  Also a Star Wars theme might get Scott to finally admit he actually reads the diaries. The Crown theme will be making its debut later in the season, but I’ll need his assistance since my man card becomes void if I were to binge it myself.  Let’s hit it:

Current ruler of the vampire galaxy, Lord Darth Jay-der and his menstrual storm troopers jumped out to what seemed like an insurmountable lead over the commish’s rebel forces. Jameis connecting with more Bucs than when he actually played for Tampa.  But as the NFL showed us this weekend, “nothing is over until we decide it is” (I do love mixin’ themes).  Diggs tapped into the force on MNF scoring 3 TDs and 39 points.  Final score: iVan Helsing  126-117 over Menstrual Vamps.  Plot twist Jay…I’m your Daddy!

Well it appears that Hotel Fapsylvania has Jar-Jar Binks setting his lineup.  Brian’s bench outscored his starters 116-92.  But in the end, it made no difference as Mitch’s Death Star-ters blew Hotel Alderaan to bits 150-92.  Are we witnessing the rising of a new order?  Newly minted Fangin’ with Mahomes (kudos on the name change) put up the week’s top score and looks primed to dominate the vampire-verse.  

Young padawan Casey has much to learn in his jedi training.  Score positive points you must, if wins you seek.   This matchup was like watching C-3PO slap fight himself as neither team cracked 100 pts.  Ruben’s Coffin prevailing after the glitter settled 97-76.  SOC silently 2-0.

In a Clone War of mediocrity, both Scott and Sean also failed to top 100 points.  The Fang Bus prevailed despite no hyperdrive to speak of 95-94.  Yes it was close, but this one was about as exciting as watching the ewoks defeat inept empire troops with lame forest booby traps.   Of note, however, Scotty finds himself frozen in carbonite with an 0-2 start (insert evil Jabba laugh).

And that brings us to the vamp, playing up the Count Pinto pledge name and now known as Count Pint-o Blood…touché.  Unfortunately he ran into hotter-than-2-suns-of-Tatooine Tuanfinity and Beyond losing 145-90.  Oddly enough team Disney is thematically appropriate in many ways for our Star Wars edition of the diaries.  Lucas’ squad riding Lamar’s 42 pts to another impressive outing and sending Craig back to Mos Eisley Cantina in search of the right combination of bounty hunters.  Lucas meanwhile is on top of the league standings proving that his parent company is the true evil empire. 

Next up for the vamp:  Ruben and Straight Outta Coffin

 

Week 3

You guys might not know this, but the commish has always been a bit of a FFL loner, I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolfpack.  But then I decided to expand my pack, and invited friends to share in my Sunday misery, 10 of us running around in the desert together, in Phoenix, looking for strippers and cocaine…wait a second, could it be?  Yes, its the Hangover edition of the Diaries…and we’re the 10 best friends that anyone could have.

The vamp looking to steal Jonathan Taylor from Ruben’s satchel, instead took a Mr. Chow crowbar beating 100-60.  Craig leaves the hood winless, empty-handed and missing a fang.  Straight Outta Coffin is now 3-0 looking to reclaim the Bela and dish out some of the bad beats he’s had from the last 2 seasons.  “Not so good now?  Quid pro quo, douchebags!”-Ruben

Sean woke up this week dusting off his baby bjorn (congrats on the insemination, glad to know your boys can still swim).  Your running backs, however, are shooting blanks.  Casey meanwhile put together a solid game behind J. Hurts’ 28 pts and was last seen running around random east coast breweries with no pants on celebrating his 1st win in the vampire league 99-76 over the Fang Bus…seriously Casey, would you please put some pants on, I feel weird having to ask you twice.

The commish was hoping to keep the luck running on an undefeated streak and pull out a win over likewise 2-0 Mitch. Unfortunately for Helsing, Bengal Mixon was locked in the bathroom on 3 red zone tries from inside the 5.  Fangin’, despite leaving Cordarelle’s 22 points on the bench, could see the victory coming in the air that night…wait, thith ith Mitch’s favorite part coming up right here: ba-da-da-da-da POW! the commish KO’d 95-85. 

Jay still in Chompionship hangover mode at 0-2 faced off with Scotty who also can’t remember what a win feels like. This was the feature matchup of the week with both teams putting up big points.  It came down to Zeke v CeeDee on MNF, where top-scoring team of the week Menstrual vamps tasered the Adams Family… in the face! 135-122. Scotty is left at 0-3, looking for directions to the Little Chapel of wins.  I know how to get there buddy, its at the corner of get a map and f*ck off.

Lucas and his Pixar posse completely trashed the Emperor’s suite at Hotel Fapsylvania, cashing out win three 127-86 over Brian (Lamar Jackson with another 40 pts).  Wow! Tuanfinity is absolutely killing it, eating up his opponents like a well-peppered steak.  Note to all: Tigers love pepper, they hate cinnamon.

Well that does it for week 3 wolf pack.  And remember, what happens in the Diaries, stays in the Diaries…except herpes, that shit’ll come back with you.

Next up for the vamp: Sean and the Fang Bus

Week 4

Cue the 70’s porn soundrack, the Vamp finally got some.  The Fang Bus was the ideal setting for Craig to bust his cherry.  If this van’s a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’.  Sean, up all night binging Skinamax,  didnt wake up early enough to check inactives on the merry olde London match.  Alvin Kamara’s late scratch left Sean exxxposed at RB1.  The vamp skipped the lube and rode the bus hard scoring from all positions.  Craig after 3 weeks of built up angst left a Pint-o spooge for Sean to clean up. Final score 122-106 for the Count.  You’ll need a bigger bukakke bucket to clean up that mess.  And to make matters worse, the vamp with a win all but assured, used his vast bench to start WR McCutcheon in the flex and sit RB Jeff Wilson (both played on MNF).  Jamharrd Chase for McNeverCatchinshit..pure evil.  Well played Craig,  the Fang Bus in need of a rear-end alignment after that masterful reaming.

In our bloody fetish feature, The Menstrul Vamps left a crimson shower all over barely legal newcomer(too easy) Casey and his Bloody Skinflix.  Jay’s starters in heavy flow mode (despite -1 DST) put up the week’s top score 150 points to Casey’s solid 119.  Dameon Pierce could be the steal of the draft as the rookie put up CMC numbers for the defending champ and keeps MV at .500 for the season.  BloodSkins at 1-3 might wanna look into a name change…anything but the Commanders.

Ruben thought he could just swing into the lobby of Hotel Fapsylvania like he was Barry Wood, but was denied entrance when he couldn’t “perform”.  Hotel Fap was the setting for this week’s pimper’s porn convention, but Ruben obviously left the Cialis back in Compton.   Brian rubbed off 119 points to the Coffin’s 90, putting an end to Ruben’s 6-game win streak dating back to last year.  HFap “pulls” even for the season, while SOC joins the threesome that is second place at 3-1.

League Dominatrix Mistress Lucas just keeps punishing opponents.  Although Mitch put up the best battle yet, Tuanfinity’s handprints are visible across Fangin’s red fleshy glutes,  The sixty-niners defensive 22 points on MNF putting the finishing touch on the hot undefeated-on-undefeated action.   Final score: Tuanfinity and Beyond the Green Door 144 the Devil in Mrs. Mahomes 135.  

Lerch, go find Thing…fluffer needed in the foyer of the Adams Family mansion.  Scott was hoping to get his goth porn on, but instead got gimped by Helsing losing a close one to the commish 107-101.  Kittle and Cooper combining for less than 5 points pretty much the difference in this one.  Scotty finds himself dead last at 0-4, but you won’t hear him complaining…of course, its hard to say anything when you’re getting tea-bagged.   Wow, that was fun 😂.  Helsing now 3-1 and the commish loving how the season is starting to take shape.

Next up for the Vamp: Jay and Menstrual Vamps.

Week 5

Well, there will be no faux white flag from Scott.  After 4 weeks with no wins and endless smack, you knew it was coming…something hath to give.  And like any warm, fuzzy family gathering in the Red Keep, it’s not ending well.  Grab your Valyrian steel and get ready for the House of Dragon edition of the Diaries.  Warning: spoilers a-head.

Mitch had been causing havoc in the stepstones up until now, flaunting his triarchy of wins and laying claim to the land of Vampiros. But you can only push Scotty so far.  Its one thing to call Kirk Cousins an illigit QB (although true), but quite another to start making knock-knock jokes about House Adams’ inability to produce a win…”say it”…Scott let loose with this season’s top score 165-110 over Fangin with Maheadoff.  Hell hath no fury like a Scotty scorned.

The Vamp, in true Targaryan fashion, thought he could just have his way with family and walk off with Kelce.  However, kinsman Jaygon the Conqueror had no intention of of giving up anything and sent Pint-O back to the castle in shame, shame, shame (technically GOT, but still on-theme) 139-76.  This one was long over before Kelce’s 4 tds, MV once again getting 20 pts from each of his RBs.  Dameon Pierce is a flat-out stud despite playing for Houston.

Brian was spotted pleasuring himself off the Prince Aegon suite’s balcony at Hotel Fapsylvania.  Fap is honing his stroke, tossing off his second win in a row. The Cowboys DST and Cooper 2-maidens 1-Kupp doing the heavy lifting on Brian’s 99-82 win over the Fang Bus.  Sean at 1-4 is making a strong claim to the succession of the Cape of Shame (shame, shame). Enjoy yourself while you can BB, winter and byes are coming to the shores of Autodraftwood.

Ser Lucas bashed in another opponents skull leaving Ruben’s bloody carcass to the crabs.  Tuanfinity went all dracarys on SOC taking the victory 147-93.  Even more impressive when you consider Lamar only pitched in 15pts.  Lucas remains undefeated at 5-0, while Straight Outta Pentos has dropped the last 2 games after starting off 3-0.  I hear milk of the poppy helps.

Milk of the Ayuhuasca, however, only leads to mediocre QB results as House Helsing has also dropped 2 straight.  The Commish just couldn’t match blows with the BSkins losing 128-101.  Casey might want to invest in a creepy gold mask as he’s losing RB’s like Targaryans lose eyes.  With Elijah Mitchell already on IR, he’s now lost Penny for the season.  Perhaps it’s time for all to consider joining houses and cooking up some trades….send for the hand.

Week 6

Holy shit what a weekend of fantasy!  Byes were in full force and had the vampireverse wheeling and dealing, trying to choreograph wins as we approach midseason and start separating the boyz II men.  Hang on to your frosted tips, it’s time for the boy band edition of the Diaries.

The weekend started early for Lucas as his team was aging out and needed reshuffling.  Facing a hole in his band’s lineup with Josh Jacobs on a bye and Taylor Swift still injured, this year’s hottest act IM’d bestie Scott and swapped Jacobs/Aiyuk for Zeke/Robinson.  Even with his lowest score of the year,  the 2022 Undeated Tour continues for Tuanfinity and Beyond-5 defeating Sean’s one-win wonders Fang Bus 100-88.

Josh Jacobs’ stint with the Adams Family lasted about as long as Justin and Brittney.  Scotty dumped on-bye duo Jacobs/Devante picking up CMC/Marquise from the Menstrual Vamps.  And now it gets fun.  Sunday’s games left the Adams-less Family 3 down from Casey’s Bloody Skins Blemish with a MNF matchup of Mike Williams vs on-bye kicker Carlson to decide the winner.  Unable to swing a worthwhile deal for one of the MNF kickers, new kid on the block Casey decided to wing it and ended up defeating Scott by a chin pube 113.5-113.36 with Williams reeling in the last catch of the game in OT just short. See above GIF for Scotty’s playoff hopes.

 The CMC trade didn’t work out too well for the Menstrual Vamps either as Jay could have used the outgoing points.  Ironically Jay’s frontman Justin was offSYNC.  MV, playing more like a team comprised entirely of Joey Fatone, fell to Hotel Faps’ K-pop Warner team 83-64.  This matchup was what I imagine a street fight between boy bands would look like.

Not too many boy bands come straight outta the hood, and yet Ruben’s starters sure sound like one with Joey, Saquon, Hunter, Courtland and JuJu making up the bulk of SOC’s lineup.  It may not flow like Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike, but the new 2022 edition of the Coffin (see what I did there?) was definitely in rhythm and got back in the win column…hey, this week’s theme is testing my pun library so just cool it now.  Final score: 128-109 SOC over Mahomy. That puts Fangin’s losing streak at 3.  Miiitch watch out…you’re gonna lose control (of the season). OK, kinda regret that one.

And that brings us, mercifully, to the last matchup where the vamp was looking to take Diggs from the commish, who entered the weekend as an underdog.  With a farewell Tik-Tok video already in its editing stage for his MVP wide receiver, Van Hanson got an unexpected 22 pts from replacement TE Gesicki and solid performances from All Directions, putting up the week’s top score 126-83 and sending Craig home from the concert unchaperoned.

Next up for the vamp: Scott and the Adams Family

Week 7

Week 7 is in the books, and we are at the half-way point of the Lost Boyz fantasy season. Halle-freakin-lujah! Our glorious Commish usually scribes the beloved Vampire Diaries, however he is out with the piles and needs a ghost writer for this week’s task. Enter the Vampire. Although one might suspect an immortal, god-like being to regale you with ancient stories of the macabre, Old Man Vamp is actually an 80’s kid at heart. And since some players trades and technical glitches caused more whining and teenage angst than a Saturday detention, it only seems fitting that this week’s theme is based on the cinema of one John Tyreek Hughes. “Are we gonna eat, or am I gonna starve to death?” Sorry for the long intro, Aunt Edna’s hungry. So fix a sloppy joe, pull out the real tomato ketchup, and let’s get to it.

With a bunch of teams on bye and many key players on vacation, this week was primed for some upsets. 1-win Fang Bus loaded up the truckster hoping for some good clean family fun, only to encounter league hottie Coffin Brinkley on the highway. Early on at the rest stop, Dinky pissed all over the basket of bologna sandwiches, but seemed to miss the Ruben. Later, believing he could pull a fast one, Sean slipped on Cousin Eddie’s white shoes and looked for some action at the hotel bar. On the verge of scoring in the pool, and yelling “this is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy”, Fang Bus took the plunge only to be stunned by motel-awkening Joe Burrow’s 39 points. It wasn’t meant to be, but it’s a long road to Wally World and maybe Sean can pull out the BB gun and score some future wins.

In the low-scoring battle between our Commish’s Dakula (so satisfying to see a “mander” sell out and join “merica’s team”) and Brian’s Hotel Fapsylvania, both teams floated air-biscuits and slogged their way to 81 and 83 points respectively. Unbelievably, Brian didn’t field a kicker, and almost got B.O. on Chet’s suit. He did however field the Dallas defense and their 19 points, which for Ivan was like eating a greasy pork sandwich served on a dirty ash-tray. But after the game…that’s when the real weird science began. Ivan and league mate Jay pulled out some floppy disks, put bras on their heads, and attempted to create the perfect “woman”, ahem, “trade”, heading into week 8. But like dropping wolf bait in the middle of a party, the trade involving Metcalf/Pierce for Diggs/Akers sure did stink. When asked what Jay was doing accepting a malacca like Akers, Ivan replied “guess he’s into malaccas Dino”.  And like Gary’s Mom finding out he was wanking it in the bathroom instead of brushing his hair, the league got real upset and started to cry. We shall see if Lisa can snap her fingers and clean up the mess, or will Nanny and Grampy stay catatonic in the closet?

Count Pint O’Blood, yours truly, had a match up with Scott, who is Type CMC negative. Unfortunately for Scott’s team, it was Josh Allen’s day off, and the most popular Vampire meal on the menu.  Oh, he’s very popular. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, dickheads, they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude. With Scott being no stranger to teaching high school…anybody, anybody…voodoo economics, he suspected something was amiss when the ESPN app glitched and the Vamp’s tight end played during the Thursday game, only to be sent to the bench the following day. Wanting a reversal, Principal Scott Rooney asked the Commish to fix the glitch. And while he did, everyone knows you can’t take the miles off of a Ferrari by running it in reverse. In addition, the Vamp got a 29 point assist from junior classmen Jamarr Chase and 28 points from freshman Ken Walker. If it’s any consolation to CMC Negative, the Vamp swapped Allen for the big gummy bear Geno Smith, who has been in my pocket and is real soft and warm. 

In a game that featured Lost Boyz league freshman Casey Az’ Bloody Skins and 5th year senior Mitch Hangin’ with Mahomey, the outcome of the Sunday‘s matchup seemed already determined by the first hour of Saturday detention. Mitch’s two jocks Mahomes and Ekeler combined for 57 points between the two of them, resulting in two hits…Mahomey hitting Skins, Skins hitting the floor. That Is a tough lineup to beat, and Mitch has proved that if you mess with bull, you get the horns. Casey’s eyeliner wearing QB Derek Carr didn’t say much the whole game, and by the end had more dandruff on his jersey than yards thrown. It also didn’t help that Casey’s mis-understood bully RB Daryl Henderson didn’t even make it to school, or his line-up for that matter. He must have been out fetching a chicken pot pie. It’s tough when you can’t field a full team in the Vampire League due to bye weeks.  Hopefully the Bloody Skins will have perfect attendance next week, and not have to sit around with a bunch of goobers and dweebs for 8 hours. And with Casey’s eagerness to trade and overall good outlook, I’m convinced his mismatched group of strangers will gel and become solid friends by the time Richard Vernon comes to check on them.

And for the last of the week’s matchup, Jay’s Menstrual Vamps played against Lucas’ undefeated Tuafinity and Beyond. We were all expecting a hard fought matchup by two of the league’s stronger teams, however Tuafinity collapsed quicker than a beeramid leaned on by John Cusack and his movie brother Cliff. I guess it makes sense, Farmer Jay, the “king of the dipshits”, has been been scheming and trading for weeks now, and he finally made enough deals showing off Sam’s panties in the boy’s bathroom for a 1$ admittance fee. Speaking of the bathroom, I wouldn’t go in there..Grandpa Fred Swift was in there for a half hour and dropped a huge goose egg. And Lucas could’ve used Long Duck Dong to mow the lawn for Grandpa Mark, ’cause his hyena injury resulted in only 0.4 points for the vaunted TE. While Menstrual Jay lost his virginity in the back seat of Tua Ryan’s convertible Rolls Royce, I wouldn’t celebrate too loudly, we don’t want the wedding guests to know he finally got his period. I’m looking for Lucas to bounce back after his house was trashed and his girl was taken. His team is strong enough to have him blowing out the candles in week sixteen with the Lugosi Trophy. 

Good luck to all in Week 8, and watch out Casey, the Vamp is hungry. Or as our favorite exchange student would say, “no more yanky my wanky…the Donger need food!”

Week 8

Its like Industry standard: never make a trade the very next day after your stud RB tears his ACL.  Two days is enough not to look anxious, but three days…that’s Money, that’s when all the beautiful babies start getting offered up.  Grab yourself a scotch, no blends of course. Single malt, Glen Livet, Glen Galley…any Glen ’cause we’re heading back to Vegas Baby, Vegas!  It’s the Swingers edition of the Diaries. 

What was I thinking? The beautiful babies don’t work the midnight to six shift on Tuesday, that’s the skank shift.  Dumping Akers and flipping Diggs for Pierce and DK looked good on Tuesday, but then CMC, Henry, Swift and Tyreek hit the market.  CMC  joining team Disney (obviously more theme park experience) Even more painful for the commish as his 36 pts were the difference in Tuanfinity’s pummeling of newly minted Dakula 140-115.  Why does it have to be CMC? Why not Zeke? Zeke’s an icon….I’d kill for CMC.

Mitch surveyed the trade lobby and pulled a Fredo, scoring 2 beautiful babies in AJ Brown and Derrick Henry, each putting up 36 pts.  The skanks on the Fang Bus were no match driving around the Hills all night searching for parties that, much like Sean’s players, all suck.  Fangin with Mahomey wins easily 146-116.  Sean, now 1-6 finds himself sitting all alone at Casino Lost Boyz $2 blackjack table…Im telling you baby, always double down on 11.

Scott set up camp at the 1227 Dresden, going through players and team names like they were half-priced IPAs.  My sources tell me he was there 3x on the infamous trade day…one shy of  the commish’s record.  All the wheeling and dealing paid off big as team Turnstile was up five hundy by halftime. Scotty’s Adams Family CMCNegative Sticka Folk in Me put up the season’s top score 161-119 over Hotel Fapsylvania with newly-acquired Tua(29) and Tyreek(26) doing the biggest damage while his eponymous kicker chipped in 21.  Brian was left twitching and bleeding on the ice ala Gretzky from Sega NHL…look at his little leg twitch hahaha.

Jay rolled into the hood with his shiny new gat Diggs in case someone stepped to him and tried jacking his K-car.  In what we anticipated to be a showdown in Compton, turned out to be more of a shouting match in Los Feliz with a couple of Anaheim posers.  Final score Menstrual Vamps 87-81 over Ruben and SOC…Lets all just hop in our separate cars and head back to the Dresden, this party’s dead anyways. I think Marty and Elayne are playing tonight.

League rookie Casey was leaving multiple voice mails late at night looking for a trade partner and wondering “Why won’t they call?” Maybe its the car you drive?  Maybe its best not to open with “where do all the high school girls hang out in this town”. Whatever the case, don’t call back too soon after an offer, you don’t wanna scare off a baby who’s ready to party.  Count Pint-O was looking to party.  In fact he was hoping to take Cook and jump-start a run at the Bela.  But as has been the case lately, the vamp’s  opponents have come up big.  The BSkins got 33 pts from Pollard and turned back the vamp 122-90. Tell me that wasn”t money?  Casey’s so money and doesn’t even know it.  Remember his face, he’s the guy behind the guy, behind the guy (behind the guy, behind the guy in 6th place).  Our baby’s all growns up.

Next up for the Vamp: Mitch and Fangin with Mahomey

Week 9

There are worse things than losing out on Eckler or having the vamp put a dent in your Chompionship hopes. The midterm elections are here and with them the bleak outlook of our dwindling democracy and the prospect of a bunch of ass clowns running things. Makes the vampireverse seem kinda small.  Don’t we all wish that ‘Merica could count on a big-hearted all-powerful leader like your beloved commish?  Time to take a look at where we are this season and what the future holds for those of us still in the running.  Sorry Sean, but you’ll need to cook up a point deduction conspiracy to even have a shot at not wearing the cape of shame. 

The Vamp came out strong in the early Sunday polls as projections had him up by 46 pts over Mitch-endorsed Fangin.  With Olave set for MNF, It looked like a lock, but Mahomes and the Yeti went off in the Sunday night OT game, putting Mitch up by 12.  Olave and the Vamp, despite running a good race, fell short in Monday’s runoff 122-120.  To make matters worse, Josh Allen may join Chase on the Vamp’s injured undead list.  Mitch is holding strong at 6-3 in a 3-way dead heat with Jay and Brian for 2nd place in the standings.

Let’s Bring up the 2nd Place District on the touch screen.  Jay’s Menstrual Vamps got a strong showing of red in all counties.  Controversial decision Diggs v Pierce was upheld in the courts allowing Devante(31) and Etienne(26) to take on leadership roles in the complete dismantling of the Fang bus 134-90.  Jay, at 6-3 is gunning for a 2nd term as league champ, and barring any scandal involving his affinity for asian porn, looks strong at the midterms. Alternately, Sean’s lofty aspirations for higher office were dashed early on in the Bela campaign.  The Fang Bus now 1-8 and dead last in the polls is still pushing the big lie that Chase was stolen from him by the vamp and calling for week 4 results to be overturned.

Ruben, looking to keep pace with the league-leading candidates, was caught completely off guard when the commish raided Mar-a-Compton.  Ruben’s mishandling of his bye week replacements provided Dakula with a pathway to the victory, but the Mixon tapes were SOCs downfall.  There’s no coming back from five touchdowns and 53 pts.  Dakula wins running away 127-87.   Both Ruben and the commish are 5-4, locked in a battle for 3rd place that is too close to call.  With Mixon on a bye next week, I’m praying Georgia would-be senator and abortion-check denier Herschel Walker can be found on waivers come Sunday.

Fearing that the autodraft machines could cost him victories, Brian swung a deal with the vamp for a defense and a QB to cover his failure to campaign in bye week swing dates. The strategy paid off as Hotel Fapsylvania had a strong turnout at the polls defeating DC constituent Casey and his BSkins who opted to mail-in their effort, losing handily (yes it’s a pun) to Fapsylvania 113-81.  Hotel Fap at 6-3 is in the aforementioned 3-way tie for 2nd place with Fangin and MVamps.  Casey’s interns, in 7th place at 4-5, and no trade endorsements likely, will need to hustle if he hopes to gain a seat with the incumbents.  

Don’t Sticka a Folk in Scotty just yet.  Scott won in a landslide over league front-runner Lucas 130-60′.  Team Disney with CMC and Chubbs both on bye, spent campaign funds frivolously on worthless trades that made zero difference.  Lucas is still all alone in first at 7-2 and can rest easy for now as his post-season nomination appears all but assured.  Scott’s grass-roots campaign is gaining ground on the field and at 3-6 is only 2 games off the playoff pace.  Sticka folk is the top-scoring team in the league, however bitching to the media and calling the scheduling a witch hunt has not won him many games or a strong fanbase.

Next up for the Vamp:  Brian and Hotel Fapsylvania

Week 10

Well it’s official, Scotty is making a run at the playoffs.  Ending all speculation that he would concede the season and continue to play king-maker to lesser scoring teams, he orchestrated a trade from his Mar-a-1227 headquarters that indicated he’s not finished just yet and at the very least intends to surpass the commish as they seek nomination for a final playoff spot.  The rest of the league should grab some popcorn as these two battle it out tossing insults like an old married couple looking to salvage an ounce of pride and more importantly win a pint of ice cold beer to enjoy from the sidelines while a more worthy team claims the Bela.

Realizing that his flippant trades left Sticka Folk with 2 QBs on byes in week 11,  Scott swapped back-up QBs with trade-starved Casey giving him a full endorsement that the Geno Smith platform would be the path to victory.  Fact check:  Jalen Hurts is the BSkin’s ticket to the post season.  The combo of Hurts, Cook, and Pollard put up 60 pts and led Casey to a 105-94 victory over Tuanfinity.  When asked why Team Disney left bye week replacement Eno (zero pts) in his lineup and left Chubb’s 14 pts on the bench, Lucas said that he had declassified Eno by merely thinking about it and didn’t need to actually make the switch.

Announcing his challenge on the heels of Sticka Folk in Me’s  100-91 loss to Straight Outta Coffin seemed odd timing, but Sticka Folk has vowed to Make Another Great and Glorious (MAGAGA?) run for the post-season.  Despite choosing the correct Arizona running back and getting another strong showing from Tua (23 pts), Ruben grabbed Scott by the pussy and denied the victory with JT and Barkley leading the way.  If Jonathan Taylor keeps this up, the Coffin looks like a dark horse in the chompionship race.   Scotty’s chances?..total Covfefe.

Mitch, still pushing baseless trade denial agenda, lost by a Floridian margin to new party leader Menstrual DeVampis.  Jay lapped Fangin’ 153-75 getting 32 pts from Ceedee and 23 from Devante (acquired in an uncontested trade) while Mitch was caught chasing Cordarelle points from the previous week.  It is clear that any Chompionship result where Fangin with Mahomey doesn’t win is sure to be contested.  At this point vampire afficionado Herschel Walker is more coherent.

The commish, victim of the greatest witch hunt in vampire league history, hit a new low losing to last place Fang Bus 97-89.  Although Dakula has blamed sleepy Joe Mixon’s bye and questioned the validity of Christian Kirk’s 27 pts for the loss, the truth social is that 89 points ain’t winning shit.  The commish will need to pick it up (and quit using the 3rd person) if he wants to enjoy a beer on Scott’s tab.

And that brings us to the Vamp, who is the real victim this season, losing a tight one to Hotel Fapsylvania 88.7-88.3.  I think we all expected the vamp to win this when we saw Kupp go down and ultimately head for IR.  The loss probably would have been welcomed by Brian as he could immediately spin it as an upgrade to his roster.  Craig is now facing elimination, so the vamp bounty is up for grabs pending this weeks results.

Next up for the vamp: Lucas and Tuanfinity and Beyond

Week 11

This 2022 season has absolutely had its share of trials. Ten grown men (haha, hard even typing that) on a 16-week road trip, forced to share close quarters, desperately trying to reach our destination, enduring injuries, bad luck and often getting on one another’s last nerve.  But here we are approaching that wonderful lull where food, drink, football, friends and family all come together.  A moment to reflect and be thankful for where this season has brought us.  So grab 2 pillows and snuggle up with a good book (I hear “The Canadian Mounted” is a classic), its time for the Planes, Trains and Automobiles edition of the Diaries.

Those aren’t pillows!!…you didn’t think I was really going to get all sappy.   The commish’s best laid plans have all blown up in his face and last week’s matchup with Jay summed up everything that I’m not thankful for. Mixon was in concussion protocol by halftime, but even a repeat of week nine’s 5-TD performance would have made no difference. Despite going commando at DST,  the Menstrual Vamps completely destroyed Dakula 148-98.  Jay’s kicker outscored every starter in Crapula’s lineup.  But the real kick in the yamsack was Akers outscoring Pierce. Fuuuck me! If things don’t turn around quick, the commish will spend Christmas on the sidelines trying to unwedge thong panties whilst watching Scotty drink free beers.

Scott had a lot to be thankful for this week.  Amari and Kittle finally showed up scoring 50 pts combined.  He didn’t even need to make a trade for a QB as he could have taken a shower curtain ring (zero) and still won.  Final score; Sticka Folk 120-72 over the Bus.  Scott will need to win out with Ruben and Casey losing 2 of 3 in order to make the playoffs. Now on the other hand,  you gotta feel for poor Sean.  Six bucks and my left nut say he’s wearing the cape of shame this year. The Fang Bus has been snowed in at the airport wearing the same underwear since week 4 when the vamp stole his cab (great Kevin Bacon cameo) and left him lugging around the Del Griffith sized steamer trunk that is Lance McCutcheon. 

Brian’s Thanksgiving feast was put on hold when Kupp hit IR.  Hotel Fapsylvania was able to pick up talented rookie Garrett Wilson off waivers, but you’re not passing him off as Czeckoslovakian Ivory.  Hotel Fapsylvania will need to make a move in order to compensate for the lost points.  Meanwhile Mitch’s plate is so full, he’s playing Eckler in the flex with Allen Robinson and Corderelle riding the pine.  He’s taken all the towels while most of us are stuck drying off with a hand towel.  Fangin with Mahomey wins this mismatch by a margin wider than John Candy’s tighty-whities: 121-91.  Hey Brian, take my socks out of the sink if you’re gonna bush your teeth.

What the hell you driving there Casey?  The Bskins are still somehow on the road to the post season despite multiple injuries, setbacks, sparse trade offers, and now Henderson’s been released (really??Akers??.fuuuck me again!). Well at least the radio still works.  When asked if he considers his team fit for the playoffs  Casey was quoted “I know it’s not pretty to look at, but it’ll get you where you want to go”. More than good enough this week as the Bloody Skins drove through the hood and notched another victory 119-91 over the Coffin.  Both teams at 6-5 are in the final 2 playoff spots with 3 games to go.

What’s going on in the magic kingdom?  Team Disney has lost 3 in a row and CMC is switching squads once again.  Lucas:  YOUR GOING THE WRONG WAY!!  Tuanfinity is looking at a head-on collision come playoffs and there’s Craig in full devil’s garb cackling as he takes McCaffery back to the castle.  Nothing’s gone the vamp’s way this year and he had to overcome 2 turkeys from Toney and Rondale (zero and -0.6) but emerges victorious 108-95.  Count Pint-O is still not mathematically eliminated, but it would take a couple ties and Craig scoring ridiculous points, so the bounty is still available until 6 teams have 7 wins.  The Vamp’s more realistic role as spoiler should be fun as he has a scary team and Ja”Marr coming back soon.  Would not want to face him in the coming weeks.  On the remaining schedule he has Ruben, Sean, and (John Hughes himself couldn’t script this any better) brother-in-law Jay in the finale. 

Well, I’ll end the diaries on that note.  The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth.  You know, nothing really grinds my gears worse than some chowderhead that doesn’t know when to keep his big trap shut.  If you catch me running off with the mouth, just give me a poke in the chubbs.

Next up for the Vamp: Ruben and Straight Outta Coffin

Week 12

We are all on a noble quest. We seek the holy Bela.  We have traveled far and wide, faced many challenges and now find ourselves within reach.  But follow only if ye be men of valor, for the Bela is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man has fought with it and lived. Brave knights if you doubt your courage or your strength, go no further, for death awaits you with nasty pointed vampire teeth. But if ye be bold, grabbeth a  couple coconut halves and ride at the air speed of an unladen swallow, it’s time for the monty python edition of the diaries.

Run away! Run away! The vamp has taken another victim.  Craig may have appeared to be a harmless bunny early on, but look at the bones strewn across his lair: Ja’Marr, Josh Allen, CMC, and now Barkley.  Craig ripped through the hood getting the bulk of scoring from Josh Allen(30) and Godwin (24), notching win #4.  Ruben’s Coffin, with no holy hand grenade in his arsenal, falls to the vamp 102-90 and is now clinging to the last playoff spot at 6-6.

None shall pass.  The commish trying to gain ground on the contenders, instead just keeps losing limbs each week.  With Mixon out and Pierce leaving the contest at halftime, Dakula could not compete with Fangin. Mitch kept hacking away and pulled out the W, 111-95. leaving the commish a bloody stump.  Tis but a flesh wound as I’m still one game up on Sir Scotty.

Speaking of Scott, he fared no better falling to the Menstrual Vamps 116-108. Justin Herbert finally came up big (30 pts) for Jay’s autonomous collective. The King of the Brittons has won 6 in a row and looks like a lock for a bye.  Scott, however, doesn’t seem too keen on a quest for the Bela, claiming he’s already got one.  Cant wait to launch a trojan rabbit on his minstrel next week.  I fart in your general direction.  Now go away or I will be forced to taunt you a second time.

Well Team Disney has turned into a newt.  Lucas’s latest loss 128-120 at the “hands” of Hotel Fapsylvania brings his losing streak to four.  I can’t explain it,  he’s lost his swallow-like grip on the league.  But then it’s not a matter of grip, it’s a simple matter of win ratios.  A 7-win team cannot carry a 10-team league.  In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat his wings 43 times every second.  Well, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, that’s my point…but then the African swallow’s non-migratery.  It just doesn’t add up. Brian (8-4) leapfrogs Lucas with the win while Tuanfinity drops to 7-5.  Wait a minute, supposing 2 swallows carried it together?…no, they’d have to do it on a line.

Bring out your dead!  Bring out your dead! Sean claiming he’s not dead yet, took a club to the head from Casey’s Bskins 111-104.  Twenty points from the rookie’s DST was the difference in this matchup and puts Casey 1 win away from clinching a playoff spot, while the Fang Bus will need to win out and offer up a shrubbery in order for Sean to have any hope of not finishing last.

 Next up for the Vamp:  Sean and the Fang Bus

Week 13

Well here we are on the brink of the playoffs. It all started out so innocently. Ten players with $25 worth of play money, looking forward to a friendly game of strategy, skill, and luck.  But once the dice hit the table, it’s every man for himself.  There’s no prize for second place in a winner take all contest.  We’ve seen our share of wheeling and dealing, border-line cheating, head slaps, agitation and elation.  But in the end its just a game and we’ve all had a good time…well maybe not Sean-and Scott would never admit he’s enjoyed it (or read the diaries for that matter). So let’s see where we stand after 13 times around the board.  Pick out a token and line up at “go” it’s time for the Monopoly edition of the diaries.

Week 13 matched up Jay’s Menstrual Vamps with Casey’s Bskins who got another strong performance out of Fields (34 pts) and Pollard (24 pts) pulling out a close win 134-132.  League-leading Jay who’s amassed a good deal of property across the board, had no problem paying rent.  MV at 9-4 and tied with Mitch and Brian just needs a win to secure a first round bye.  Casey clinches a playoff spot and at 8-4 is currently in 4th place.  Advance to Go and collect $200.

You have won second prize in a beauty contest.   Second-place Mitch (9-4) got 28 pts from AJ Brown and runs his winning streak to 3 topping Team Disney (loser of 5 in a row) 92-71.  These 2 teams are heading in opposite directions.  Lucas stumbles into the playoffs losing Lamar Jackson in the process and as a consolation trades for worthless utilities Cordarelle.  Mitch will likely rail-road his way to a first round bye needing only a win over Scott. 

Brian is like the mediocre light blue property that keeps racking up rent.  In 3rd place and also 9-4, Hotel Fap got 19 pts from the Dallas D and 20 from Rookie Garrett Wilson and tops the Coffin 103-91. Ruben drops out of the last spot and will need to roll doubles: a win and a commish loss to crawl back in.  Brian has made quite the turnaround this year, despite being left with a lame thimble at QB. 

The Vamp has now won 3 in a row defeating the Fang Bus 103-86.  Unfortunately, last-place Sean owns the equivalent of the crappy crack-house properties just past Go and Craig can only take a kicker for his prize.  That’s a first in the vampireverse and pretty much sums up Count Pint-O’s season.  The Vamp is now officially eliminated and since his last loss was to Hotel Fapslvania, that means Brian takes the bounty cash.  Community Chest: Bank error in your favor-collect $50.

In our feature matchup, the commish passes go and collects a beer from Scotty as Dakula crushes Sticka Folk 134-100 getting an impressive 72 points from 3 WRs.  Dakula needs a win or a SOC loss to claim the last playoff spot,  Scott, who’s been selling off property since midseason, can finally call it on his 2022 disaster, having failed to make the playoffs and finished below the commish.  No get out of jail free card, I’ll be enjoying this until next September.  

Next up for the vamp: Jay and Menstrual vamps…This one could shake up the playoffs

Week 14

As far back as I can remember, I always knew i wanted to be a commish.  For me, to live any other way is nuts.  Those goody-good people who wait around for waivers to open are suckers.  If I want something, I take it.  If anyone complains, they get fined so hard, believe me, they never complain again.  I learned 2 things being the commish: Never whine about a trade and keep your mouth shut.  So grab your shinebox its time for the Goodfellas editon of the Diaries.

Seanny 2-wins, 2-wins, saw his season mercifully come to a close at the Hotel Fapsylvania losing to Brian 105-84.  With 3 starters on byes, Brian got stand-up performances from Goff (26 pts) and Sanders (28 pts). Hotel Fap secures a first round bye and can sit back and enjoy a home-cooked meal while Sean bleeds out in the trunk.  The Fang Bus never recovered from his early season matchup with the vamp, losing Ja’Marr and getting stuck with McCutcheon.  I got Sean a nice paint-by numbers consolation prize.   Hope he doesn’t get paint on the cape of shame.

Also looking into new hobbies this off-season: Ruben. Straight outta Coffin got clipped by Team Disney ending Lucas’ losing streak 91-68.  Ruben’s team tossed up a stinker when it counted most, and misses out on the playoffs.  Apparantly he got stoned and forgot to ditch the getaway van. Tuanfinity, once the league enforcer, has stumbled into the playoffs and will need to rally with Lamar sidelined.  Lucas is so cold right now, it might take a month to thaw out the corpse.

The commish was the beneficiary of Ruben’s loss as Dakula makes the playoffs despite losing to Casey 124-96.  The Bskins got another MVP performance from Jalen Hurts (30 pts) as Casey taunted the commish and laughed his way to the victory.  Do you find me funny Casey? I’m funny to you? Let me understand this, ’cause maybe it’s me, but I’m funny how?  I’m a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh? I’m here to fucking amuse you? Go get your shinebox rookie!

Scotty’s season has been over for a while, but that didn’t stop him from trying to dump off Tyreke, a shady move quickly vetoed by Don Commish.  Tyreke did put up 22 points, but Mitch’s Fangin has been rolling ever since the LuftYeti heist and pulls off the win 111-82, securing first place along with a first round bye.  Mitch is the favorite heading into the playoffs and yet he’s still whining about the Diggs trade.  Morrie the wig-selling wiseguy whined less about his money than Mitch has about the infamous trade.  In the past 8 weeks Diggs has outscored DK Metcalf by a total of 5 points,  While Pierce has outscored Akers by 36, so enough already.  Don’t make me send Pesci over to put an ice-pick in your skull.

And that brings us to the matchup between the Vamp and brother-in-law Jay.  The Menstrual Vamps thought they’d be “made”, first-place and a bye.  But instead Jay got whacked by Craig 127-85 and loses Kelce as well.  It was payback for CMC, and a lot of other things. Jay just has to sit and take it.  It was among the brothers…real greaseball shit.  MV ends up in 3rd place and no bye heading into the playoffs.  Hats off to Craig.  He’s been an amazing vamp.  Bad luck and a couple pube-hair losses the difference between Count Pint-O being the best team in the league and sitting on the sidelines come playoffs.  He’s definitely wreaked havoc (as a vamp should) and changed the odds of the teams he’s beaten.  Kudos Craig on a season well played.

So here we are, buckle up for the playoffs men.  After Chompionship weekend we all go back to egg noodles and Ketchup.  Average nobodies…we’ll have to live out the rest of the off-season like shnooks.

People that owe league dues: Scott, Mitch, Lucas.  You guys wanted in on the vampireverse, well now you guy’s got the Commish as a partner. Any problems, you go to the Commish. Trouble with the draft, go to the commish. Trouble with the cops, deliveries, IR, you can call the Commish. But now you gotta come up with the Commish’s money every season, no matter what. Business bad? Fuck you, pay me. Oh, you had a fire? Fuck you, pay me. Place got hit by lightning, huh? Fuck you, pay me.

Week 15: Playoffs round 1

Its been quite a journey for the final four. We’ve endured injuries and questionable trades. We survived lethal bye combinations and assaults on our integrity. We’ve travelled through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, past the sea of twirly-swirly gum drops.  And then we walked through the Lincoln Tunnel.  We’ve made it to the Vampire playoffs, so grab your spare maple syrup and don’t eat any subway gum ’cause its time for the Elf edition of the diaries…Code name: Santa’s got a brand new bag.

Tickle Fight!  That was one ugly matchup between Dakula and the Menstrual Vamps.  Starting Deshaun over Dak.  What was I thinking?  Boy did I feel like a cotton-headed ninny muggins.  Thirteen points?  Deshaun scores more in massage sessions.  And what the hell was going on with the TE position?  Zero.Zero for both the commish and Jay. Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to manage your fantasy teams (bonus: mixing themes).  On a positive note, DK Metcalf outscored Diggs, so choke on reindeer dick Mitch. Akers even outscored Diggs.  It came down to the fourth quarter on MNF and McLauren’s last catch of the night: the Commish defeats Jay 71.4-70.6 and ensures that the Bela will grace a new mantle.  It’s a Festivus Miracle!  Wait wrong theme.  The commish miraculously moves on to round 2 of the Playoffs.  I’m singing!  I’m writing the diaries and I’m SING-ING!

In the feature matchup of the weekend, Team Disney took on Vampire league rookie Casey’s Bskins.  Lucas finally emerged from the naughty list and put up a score worthy of his early season run of dominance, but it just wasn’t enough as Casey came out swinging like an angry south pole elf.  The Bskins pelted Tuanfinity with a rapid barrage of snowballs getting ginormous numbers from Jalen Hurts (35 pts) and Dalvin Cook (25 pts) putting an end to Lucas’ season 132-117.  Casey’s win comes at a cost, however, as team MVP Hurts injured his shoulder and looks doubtful for next week’s matchup with Mitch…son of a nutcracker! 

Next up: Round 2 of the playoffs.  The Commish takes on Brian and Hotel Fapsylvania while the Bskins face off against Fangin with Mahomey.  Happy Holidays gents and remember: The best way to spread Christmas cheer is sing loud and drink plenty of beer. 

Week 16: Playoffs round 2

If Kavampé used defend honor, defend life, Kavampé mean something. If Kavampé used defend sweet, sweet trophy, Kavampé mean nothing.  We approach Chompionship weekend, both finalists looking for an edge, some sage advice on who will come up big and secure the elusive Bela. Man who catch fly with chopstick, accomplish anything.  I don’t know where Mr. Miagi was going with that one, but I’m pretty sure he was smoking a lot of poppy.  Get ready to sweep the leg, it’s time for the Karate Kid edition of the Diaries.

Casey jumped out to an early lead, but just couldn’t run away from Fangin with MaCobra Kai’s bullies, getting the snot beat out of his Bskins 150-87.  Hockinson (29 pts) having the game of his life and Mahomes doing Mahomes.  Casey had quite the rookie season.  Initially shunned and hazed, nobody wanting to trade with the new kid on the Slope, but he put together a solid year, making it to the semis.  First learn stand, then learn fly Casey-san.  Mitch on the other hand, has been flying for some time now, roundhouse kicking all opponents on his way to the finals and is the tournament’s odds-on favorite….No mercy!  Man who keep hand in pocket, always feel cocky.

It may not surprise anyone, but Wax on Wax off is Hotel Fapsylvania’s  motto and Brian’s personal mantra. Brian’s autodraft roster landed him in the final four and one game away from a worst to first turnaround season.   What is surprising is the commish making a run at the Bela.  Team Dakula somehow finds its way into the Chompionship conversation after enduring endless harassment and leg sweeps.  The commish used the Miagi magic healing hands method (which in retrospect has not aged well and sounds a bit pedo..stranger danger!) to revive his reconstructed squad. Dak came up big (28 pts) and the commish got solid scoring up and down the roster easily flooring Fap 120-83 with a crane kick to the face. So to the doubters, critics and also rans, here are the 2 rules of Commish-Ryu Kavampé: Rule Number 1- the commish is always right. Rule Number 2: First learn rule#1…yes Sensei!

And there it is, the stage is set for Chompionship Weekend. Mitch and Fangin with Mahomey takes on the Commish and Dakula.  Let the smack commence, but remember the sage words of Confuscious:  Man who keep mouth shut, chokes not on reindeer dick.

Week 17: Chompionship Weekend

Depending on the degree of intoxication, we’ve all seen fun Mitch, bitchy Mitch, angry Mitch, manopause Mitch…we can now add Chompionship Mitch to the mix.  Sunday started out slow for Fangin and we got an early dose of pessi-Mitch, all but conceding the Bela.  And then just as the commish was talking trash and claiming his beer from Scott on the Minshew v Dak side bet, the Moustache hit AJ Brown for an 80-yd TD and flipped the percentages quickly in both Mitch and Scott’s favor.  It went downhill quick after that for Dakula as Eckler scored 2 TDs and put up 30 pts carrying Mitch to the victory 105-71*.  Hats off to Mitch, his squad has been the best team for most of the season, did not choke (on reindeer dick) and has rightfully earned the Bela.  Your 2022 Lost Boyz Champ: Mitch and Fangin with Mahomey.*

On the plus side for the commish, Dak outscored Minshew 14-13, so I guess I got that going for me, gunga, gunga lunga** I’ll take a cold beer on Scotty’s tab as a win.  Nobody expected me in the finals, I feel a bit of redemption and look forward to not drafting Akers next year and making another run at the title.  As an interesting what if, had the vamp won either Week 9 (lost by  1.9-claiming Eckler) or Week 10 (lost by 0.36-claiming Kupp) he would have taken Dakula’s  spot in the playoffs and run the table and projected to defeat Mitch in the Chompionship*.  And now onto the awards portion of the Diaries.

The Paris Hilton (most scored on) goes to Scotty who gave it up on a weekly basis and despite being the 3rd highest scoring team,  had only 4 wins to show for it.  He changed names more times than a serial gold digger.  Might I suggest a final name change: the Village Bicycles… everybody’s had a ride**

The Jenga (total collapse) goes to Jay as he layed a steaming pile on the last week of the regular season (losing Kelce) and then shit the bed again in the playoffs, failing to score 80 pts in both crap shows.  It was a sad end after a dominant season.  Talk about mud on your face…Hey Chucko, that doesn’t smell like mud.** Honorable mention goes to Lucas and Tuanfinity and Beyond.  Team Disney looked unbeatable early in the season, but limped into the playoffs, then folded to the rook in round one.  Losing Lamar was the death blow* but questionable trades didn’t help. What the hell did you trade Buhner for?**

Speaking of questionable trades, The Russell Wilson goes to yours truly the commish for the week 8 Diggs trade that had the league bitching more than the yentas from The View.  The trade actually paid off for team Dakula, but DK laying an egg in the Chompionship topped by Akers finally putting up numbers worthy of his draft spot was a huge kick in the huevos and left me feeling kinda Munsoned**

And Finally the Ned Beatty goes to Sean for week four’s matchup with the vamp when Craig “inserted” McCutcheon at the last minute leaving the Fang Bus without JaMarr Chase and a useless roster spot.  Impressive move Vamp.  I guess Craig took one look at the Fang Bus and said “he got it goin’ like a turbo Vette**”

Well I’d say that wraps it up but in light of MNF, we will carry an asterisk until the NFL resolves the suspended game.  It’s been fun gentlemen.  Cheers!

*If the NFL resumes the matchup, scores will be adjusted accordingly. 

**Since there was no theme, I’ve sprinkled in TV/Movie/Song quotes throughout diaries.  First to respond correctly (include name of the speaker of quote) in the group text wins the unawarded door prize from Chompionship weekend.