Vampire Diaries

Week 1

And we’re off!  The vampire will need to fly back in shame to his castle as he was thoroughly stomped.  If it’s any consolation, Chubbular’s kicker was waived.  I’m hearing rumors that Gostkowski might be available for a trade.  League noobs each picked up a win with defending champ Mob Squad taking one of those Ls.  Less than 7 total points from Odell and Michael Thomas was the nail in that (cough)-in.  Roll your eyes all you want Scott, the vampire puns will keep coming.  I Drew Bloodsoe put up big numbers with 33 Josh Jacobs points providing the separation.  However, Im pretty sure the 23 Mostert points were most painful to Lucas as his Niners still lost to the Cards.  The Lamias led the way with 155 points and punished the iVan Helsings like it was a #me2 moment on all my Dallas bashing.  I had a side Lunch bet with Jay, and provided that he has given up beer (what has beer ever done to you?) red meat, dairy, eggs and caffeine,  I will be springing for dry cereal (see pic).   Injuries are providing Count Tampaxula with some interesting RB options on the undead wire.  Eat plenty of garlic this week Craig.  

Week 2

Well, the 8-ball was spot on.  Hotel Fapsylvania sunk like the Titanic (Brian’s favorite movie I believe…or was it the Notebook?) The Lamias lost by 0.14 pts to Fang Bus on the last garbage time play of MNF.  OUCH!!, right in the ovaries.  Chubbular kept up the solid numbers and sent Mob Squad into an 0-2 hole.  Waller’s 22 points in Vegas putting a close contest to bed early.   Bespin Clouds had no problem taking out a Saquon-less Monster Sqwadd.  The Vamp was defanged handily by points leader Bloodsoe.  84 points from Dak and Aaron Jones alone was enough to top a weak 69 point total.  But there is hope for the Count as key injuries have changed the landscape considerably.   Fun fact:  Top Score this week 196 points – our benches.  Wow did we leave money on the table.  QB Cam Newton 34 (Bespin) RB K. Hunt 23 (Fap) RB Fournette 26 (Fap) WR Edelman 22 (Fap) WR D. Johnson 19 (Lamias) TE Higbee 26 (Mob) FLX D. Henderson 19 (Fang) DEF Ravens 15 (Bloodsoe) K Fairbourn 12 (iVH).  Next up for the Vampire: Lucas and Bespin Clouds.

Week 3

Mob Squad is in full Chomp-ionship Hangover mode, 0-3 in the standings after the I Drew Bloodsoe (league leading 3-0) thumping.  MVP of the week: the Jets offense.  Now Ruben is no rookie at shaking off a hangover, but this is 2020: the season of WTF.  The Walrus might be the only one left on the sidelines in a few weeks. 

Go for the Chubbular also remained undefeated riding Chubb and Josh Allen over the Lamias.  Wow, that just sounds wrong.  Moving along,  iVan Helsing stomped the Sqwadd.  Thank you Mr. Wilson, so enjoy taking a W on my brother-in-law.   In the battle of the noobs, Fapsylvania took a beating at the hands of the Fang Bus…OK that one was intended.  170 points Sean: nicely done, second place and 3-0.

Well, the Vampire was in the running this week.  Lucas gifted a zero starting injured Julio Jones.  Up 10 going into MNF….and then Mahomes.  The hunger pangs must be setting in Mitch.  Is the Vamp on the same no meatbeerdairyeggscaffeine diet with Jay? Is it a vampire thing? and while I’m on it what’s left to eat? Sugar, weed and water?  Next up for the Vamp: Monster Sqwadd and Ryan…I smell blood!

Week 4

Count Tampaxula has risen from the undead and takes his first victim.  Monster Sqwadd fearing the 2 blank roster spots from Covid postponements opted to Walter Reed most his starters.  The Sqwadd would have come up short regardless, so its Devante Adams on the vamp’s menu instead of Mixon.  Mitch right in the mix at one win (as is all of the NFC Least).   I Drew Bloodsoe remained in first place with a squeaker over the Lamias.  Ironic that some garbage time Dallas points may have been the difference.  Chubbular remained undefeated with a tight win over Hotel Fapsylvania, but Scott may be Chubbless for the foreseeable future.  Falling from the ranks of the undefeated, Fang Bus couldn’t catch iVan Helsing. Kittle riding the pine in the Nelson Muntz benching of the week (32 points) click here for my condolences  And finally, Mob Squad found his way out of the cellar lapping Bespin Clouds and then some.  Ruben’s bench also defeated Lucas’ starters, but officially just counts as one in the win column.

Next up for the Vampire: Ruben and Mob Squad

Week 5

Covid Amendment under fire this week, but held strong.   Coronavirus obviously just a hoax…much like the Bills offense.  iVan Helsing pulling off a stunning win over Chubb-less thanks to that sorry display on TNF.   Monster Sqwadd secured their first win in a nail-biter over Fang Bus (103.72 vs 103.66) despite Sean asking for an adjustment claiming that Kittle played like he had Covid.  This week’s top scorer Lamias with Labias completely destroyed Bespin Clouds.  Lucas’ team apparently frozen in Carbonite.  I Drew Bloodsoe stayed unbeaten with a costly win over Hotel Fapsylvania.  A gruesome Dak Prescott injury delivering a blow to Craig’s starting lineup.  I have Daniel Jones on my bench, you can have him for free.  And that brings us to Count Tampaxula, pulling off another kill with a hard-fought victory over Mob Squad and taking Miles Sanders.  The Vamp is looking solid.  Shedding his early season Twilight glitter, Mitch is starting to strike fear in the league.  Holy water and stakes available at bargain crypt prices today on Amazon prime day.   Next up for the Vampire:  Jay and the Lamias 

Week 6

Only 3 teams hit triple digits this week…did everyone have Dallas in their starting lineups?  In the “battle” for first place iVan Helsing handed I Drew Bledsoe its first loss of the season as byes and injuries gave us an epic Daniel Jones/Kirk Cousins face-off. Monster Sqwadd made it 2 in a row in the pillow fight of the week defeating Mob Squad 85 to 67 (not a typo, and I rounded up).  Fang Bus nearly doubled Go for the Chubbular’s score putting up a win-worthy 145 points.  Exemplifying this week, both Scott’s defenses delivered negative numbers.   Top scoring team of the week, Bespin Clouds thawed off the Carbonite and put up 153 points despite Mahomes getting outscored by Matt Ryan.  Yup,  that happened.   And in our game of the week the Vampire ran his win streak to 3, delivering a death blow (now playing in theater one) to the Lamias and taking Ezekiel Elliot as his reward.  Wow, what a week for Jay:  hairline fracture, complete Dallas meltdown, and goodbye Zeke.   Its enough to make you start a bourbon/bacon/sodium/triple-espresso/cigarettes and heroin diet.  And this just in, the Vampire pulled off a trade with Mob Squad: Lamar Jackson for Miles Sanders.  NFC East running backs are a leading cause for indigestion, hope Zeke doesn’t give you a bad case of the runs (3-point pun at the buzzer).  Next on the Vamp’s menu:  Brian and Hotel Fapsylvania


Week 7

The Vampire, on a major killing spree, stayed at the Hotel Fapsylvania this weekend and walked off with a win, complimentary robe, and Kareem Hunt.  The Reign of Terror is officially here.  That makes 4 wins in a row for Mitch.  Hide yo wife, hide yo kids, hide yo first round draft pick!  The W puts him in fifth place squarely in the playoff picture and creeping up the standings.  Bespin Clouds playing minus one RB, got 21 points from the Chiefs D and nearly pulled off the upset over first place iVanHelsing.  Kyler Murray to Hopkins payed off big for the Lamias (57 points) as they destroyed the Mob Squad  130 to 81.  Top scorer of the week Fang Bus rode 45 points from Tyler Locket to a huge win over I Drew Bloodsoe 151 to 84.  That win leapfrogs Sean over Craig and Scott into second place.  Speaking of Scott, Chubbless came up limp against Monster Sqwadd who is on a win streak himself.  That makes 3 in a row for Ryan, not missing Saquon as James Robinson has filled in nicely.   With Chubb a few weeks away Bespin Clouds’ team physician Dr. Lucas Ramirez has prescribed a triple dose of Viagara from his private stash.  Swipe right if effects last over 8 hrs. 

Next up for the Vamp: iVan Helsing.  Halloween is this weekend, setting the stage with the Vampire on a tear and fresh blood on the fangs.  Can the commish end the madness? Will CMC play on Thursday? Opted for expedited shipping on garlic jockstraps.

Week 8

My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die…Sonofa, that no-cajones commish stashed his starters.  Inconceivable! To be fair, I took a far more brutal beating in the group chat than my bench did at the hands of the Vampire.  For those interested, had I used my starters, the score would have been (118-95) and Kelce would be suckling at the teat of Count Tampaxula.  Stashing your starters is a calculated move and still requires a complete starting lineup (no players on bye; injured or out).  It’s an option that owners can take as the Vampire gets stronger and one of the basic strategies of any vampire league.  The cost: a loss in the standings and endless shit to be eaten.   In other news, Mob Squad, facing backlash from the LA Rams fanbase and a sorry 1-6 record, has changed his team name to Straight Outta Coffin.  Ruben’s team took a cap in the ass from this week’s top scorer Hotel Fapsylvania behind 4 Dalvin Cook touchdowns.  So it seems you can spell NWA without a W.  Bespin Clouds had another strong week defeating the Fang Bus (129-98). Lucas is moving up in the standings and now sits at 4-4 in a crowded tie for 3rd place with Jay, Scott, Fezzik and the Dread Pirate Roberts .  The Lamias put an end to Monster Sqwadd’s 3-game win streak, despite half his team being on a bye (AKA the natural stash).  I Drew Bloodsoe and Chubbular apparently mired in the Fire Swamps had an epic battle to see who could score 70 points.  Neither, but Craig was closer, so he takes the W.   Next up for the Vamp: Sean and the Fang Bus.  ****VOTE****

Week 9

The Vampire’s win streak is over.  The Count was stopped short of the goal line by the Fang Bus 106-98.  Disregarding strong scientific data Mitch decided to bench Zeke and go rogue with his own RB choice: LeVeon Bell (0.8 pts). The Vamp’s lawyers are now looking to sue Bespin Clouds for dumping Bell in the waiver ditch.  Speaking of Bespin Clouds, Lucas gifted a win to Chubbular when he started two injured players and failed to replace a third who is on IR, leaving the winning points on his bench. I can only assume his decision-making, or lack thereof, has something to do with Arizona’s new marijuana laws. Hotel Fapsylvania jumped out to an early lead over the Lamias behind another big game from Dalvin Cook. However, Kyler Murray delivered 38 points and a comeback victory for Jay (120-106).  Brian claims the win was stolen from him and that he actually won by a lot.  Monster Sqwadd won a tight matchup over I Drew Bloodsoe 107-104.  Craig got a zero from the flex slot when Justin Jackson went down with a knee injury on the first drive.  That has to hurt…right in the yamsack.  And finally, this week’s top scoring team iVan Helsing emerged from his bunker and defeated Straight Outta Coffin 128-83.  Welcome back CMC (32 pts).  Next up for the Vampire: Scott and Go for the Chubbular.

Week 10

This is what a full Chub looks like.  A half Chubb is what we saw on Sunday, splitting shifts with K. Hunt (hehe). Still potent and gets the job done.  However, nobody wants to see their Chubb go out (of bounds) right before scoring.  Lucky for Scott, the Bears offense is completely flaccid and Go for the Chubbular (cough) pulled out a victory over the Vampire.  That’s 2 tight losses in a row for Mitch.  Count Tampaxula is definitely seeing red.  The Lamias must have iVan Helsing’s number as they swept the season tip-to-tip matchups with a 116-46 drubbing.  I scored more when I benched my starters…fuck you Karma!  I Drew Bloodsoe moved back into a first place tie with a dominant win over Bespin Clouds.  Lucas getting limp production from all but his 49ers players this week.  Monster Sqwadd had no problem tossing off Hotel Fapsylvania 116-80.  Ryan keeps moving up in the standings after a slow start, now…um, firmly in the thick of the playoff chase.  And last but not least, this week’s top scoring team Fang Bus went all rat-a-tat-tat on dat Coffin ass with a 134-99 drive-by.  Sean now in a 3-way for 1st place with Ivan and Craig.  Disclaimer: This week’s diaries are currently being reviewed by HR.  Next up for the Vampire: Craig and I Drew Bloodsoe.

Week 11

I met a gin-soaked bar-room queen in Memphis, she tried to take me upstairs for a ride.  Hey Sean, is that that a qb where your tight end should be? Well, Sean took everyone for a ride, taking advantage of the ESPN position glitch and 24 points from Taysom Hill defeating the Lamias 132-108.  Well played and a ballsy move, I’ll give you that.  The Fang Bus is in first place and looking like a lock for a first round bye.  Official ruling: Taysom is a QB.  iVan Helsing booked a win at Hotel Fapsylvania’s Frank-N-Furter suite 120-75.  Cash transaction (thanks for the beer money Brian) no questions asked.  Helsing keeping pace with Sean for first place.  Top-scoring team of the week Go for the Chubbular, never one to hide anything, whipped out Chubb and tea bagged the Coffin 145-124  Scott, catching up with Craig, is now tied for second and one game back.  Bespin Clouds received a pleasant surprise when Teddy Bridgewater was a late scratch, leaving Monster Sqwadd with nothing to show (not a duck….more of a tuck) from the actual QB position and squeezed out a tight 82-79 win.  Both Lucas and Ryan will need to run the table to make the playoffs.  And finally, the vamp knew exactly what he was getting into, as I Drew Bloodsoe revealed his stashed package early in the week.  Unfortunately, starting WR Golladay was ruled out so Mitch went with the reach around grabbing a win and Craig’s JuJu off the bench.  Pretty sure the count liked it.  Bloodsoe drops out of first while the Vampire joins the Lamias in a tie for the final 2 playoff spots.  Keep the smack going guys, we’re all having fun…well, except for Ruben.  Next up for the vamp: Lucas and Bespin Clouds.

Diary Bonus – take a few and listen to one of the Stones’ best

Week 12

Top-scoring team of the week Bespin Clouds making the cape look good.  Lucas with his back against the wall put the saber balls deep into the Vampire. Henry leading the charge for a 153-107 win.  Bespin Clouds is now in a 4-way tie with the Lamias, Monster Sqwadd and the Vampire for the last 2 playoff spots.  Monster Sqwadd also needing a win, upset iVan Helsing 119-108 in a tight matchup decided on Wednesday’s Covid-bowl.  Go for the Chubbular moved into a tie for 2nd place with a 114-95 victory over the Lamias despite Tyreke Hill’s 51 pts.  The Lamias’ other starters more disappointing than all 3 prequels and irritating Jay on a JarJar level.  In the Noobs Strike Back sequel, Fang Bus defeated Hotel Fapsylvania  108-97, this matchup considered far superior to their first encounter.  Sean secures a first-place finish and a first-round bye.  Fresh off last week’s stash, I Drew Bloodsoe gave us Return of the Starters, a weak effort where Straight Outta Coffin’s rebel underdogs destroyed them 126-52.  Craig’s stash team scored 78 pts. “This is the way” is Karma in Mandolorian.  Ruben is in a battle with Brian to secure “not last place” and the lovely loser’s penalty shirt to be worn in a publicly humiliating forum (social media post, x-mas family pic).  Side stat: Fapsylvania and Coffin are the Top 2 scored-upon teams this year (125 and 113 points per game respectively). There’s a lot riding on this weeks games.  Helsing and Chubbular go for the last bye (helsing 2 pts up in the tie-breaker).  The last three playoff spots will be decided between possibly 5 teams: the Lamias (1377 pts) Bespin Clouds (1274 pts) Bloodsoe (1230 pts) the Vampire (1211 pts) and Monster Sqwadd (1177 pts)…may the force be with you all, except Scott.

Next up for the vamp: Ryan and Monster Sqwadd (loser goes home)

Week 13

The Playoffs are set.  What a finish!  Mitch, Jay, Craig and Lucas were all but eliminated at one point this weekend with the final outcome determined on the last drive of TNF, so lets get to it.  iVan Helsing toll-boothed the Fang Bus 132-107.  Both teams already in the playoffs with Sean having sewn up a first round bye last week, and yet 0-2 against Helsing this season (a parting shot in your bullet-riddled carcass). Top-scoring team of the week Go for the Chubbular cashed out with a win and a bye at the Hotel Fapsylvania Casino 139-110.  This one was over early as Waller pulled a Fredo, scoring twice and finishing with 38 pts.  The Vampire took Monster Sqwadd out on the lake and easily handled business.  Ryan sleeps with the fishes and the vamp takes James Robinson.  A loss by Bespin Clouds or the Lamias and Mitch is in.  Lucas must have a rabbit’s toe up his ass, leading by a mere 3 points over Straight Outta Coffin when Antonio Gibson leaves the game after the first drive with turf toe.  Bespin Clouds makes the playoffs and Ruben completes the first to worst title-defense tour.  Leave the trophy, take the cannoli.  And in our feature match-up the Lamias and I Drew Bloodsoe went down to the wire to decide the final 2 playoff spots.  Jay hanging on by a hair (despite Zuerlein trying to shank him a win) lost on a garbage-time pass to Gallup in the final minute (94.8-94.1) Lamias out, Bloodsoe and the Vampire in.  Great regular season guys, waivers are open to all those still in the hunt.  Playoffs are here and the title is up for grabs.

Week 14

The Vampire is dead.  Dr. Nick called it mid-afternoon on Sunday.  iVan Helsing drove the stake deep with a decisive 150-112 win…eeexcellent.  Kudos to Count Tampaxula as he put together a good run at the title.  The vampire has now made the playoffs in the first 2 seasons, so we must be doing something right.  After a toothless start, the fanged one ushered in the reign of terror; a scary stretch midseason where the vamp reeled off 5 straight wins, built up a solid team and had some in the league running for cover(cough).  But ultimately, inconsistent RB production and some questionable roster selection (LeVeon Bell?) doomed Mitch’s quest for immortality.  Complimentary mug and a year’s supply of turtle wax should keep the coffin looking good for next year’s Count.

Bespin Clouds is on a scary run himself, dismantling I Drew Bloodsoe 116-68 behind another dominant performance by Henry.  Mahomes-Henry tandem undoubtedly the most feared double date this side of Selma and Patty.  Craig’s season essentially busted along with Dak’s ankle back on week 5.  Maybe next year will be Joe Reed’s breakout.  That garbage Gallup catch a week ago really changed the course of the playoffs as Jay’s Lamias showed up a week late with 135 points which would have been enough to beat Lucas in the first round…d’oh!! So on to the second round where Go for the Chubbular faces off against iVan Helsing and Bespin Clouds looks to knock off the Fang Bus.  Thank you, come again.

Week 15 (Playoffs: round 2)

The Fang Bus made the long trip out to Bespin and was promptly throttled.  Another dominating perfomance from Lucas’ team led by Ridley’s 27 pts. and (surprise) Henry running on Ludicrous Speed.  When the dust settled Bespin Clouds had put up 135 points to Sean’s 99…straight to Plaid.  Lucas has just hit another gear lately,  looking like an Alpha Mawg (he’s his own best friend) heading into Chompionship Weekend. Side note: revisiting the garbage Gallup reception,  The Lamias 137 points would have sent Jay to the finals (Click for condolences) The Fang Bus put together a great rookie season. First in the season standings, Sean proved to be a worthy adversary.  Great addition to the Vampireverse.   In our other match-up, Go For the Chubbular beat the living schwartz out of iVan Helsing 142-94.  Sixty points before Sunday and Scott’s team just kept scoring.  Even his bench went off.  He could literally have thrown darts to decide his lineup.  A healthy CMC would have changed nothing, so hats off, I’ll stop whining like a Druish princess.  The Chompionship is set:  Bespin Clouds faces Go for the Chubbular for the title.

Post Credits Scene: Ruben (the team formerly known as Mob Squad) surrendered the trophy and wore the loser’s “Team Edward❤️❤️” shirt proudly at Arizona Wilderness Brewery this weekend (quote from his buddy who had no idea: “what the hell is that you pussy?”)…so good, and a fitting end to his season.  

Week 16: Chompionship Weekend

Scott and Go for the Chubbular are the 2020 Lost Boyz Champs crushing Lucas and Bespin Clouds 150-81.  Go for the Chubbular was also the top scoring team this week leaving no doubt and eliminating all what-if scenarios.  Lucas, always a threat to put up big numbers with the Mahomes-Henry duo, was Munsoned by pedestrian efforts up and down his lineup.  Last year’s runner-up, Big Scott has had an impressive 2-year run and is fully deserving of the Bela Lugosi trophy.  Not much to recap, Sean wins the bronze medal in a rout behind Kamara’s 6 TDs, but that won’t even buy you a cup of bull’s milk in Amish country.   Which brings us to the end of the season awards.  MVP has to be Derrick Henry, stiff-arming Bespin Clouds from the brink of elimination all the way to the Chompionship game.   The Fang bus runs away with rookie of the year honors as Hotel Fapsylvania (winner of best team name and providing endless pun fodder in the diaries) barely avoided taking the Laddie (last place trophy named after that creepy-as-fuck vampire kid in the Lost Boys movie)…Ruben takes that one.  Jay wins the Mommas don’t let your babies grow up to draft Cowboys award.  Comeback owner of the year, well, I’ll accept that gladly, redeeming my last place gutter ball from our inaugural season.   Sean and Brian win the prom king and queen awards for the top scoring and most scored on (also known as the Paris Hilton) respectively.  The Buffy goes to iVan Helsing for slaying the vampire (next year a side-pool bounty will be set up for this honor).  The Count Rugen award for best starters stash is a tie between iVan Helsing, creating a league-wide uproar and I Drew Bloodsoe, who’s semi-successful stash still surrendered his starting receiver and almost a spot in the playoffs.  There you have it gentleman,  a great season, hope everyone enjoyed it.  And as a final tribute to this year’s champion, no vampish pun at the end…You’re Velcome (not a pun)

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