Vampire Diaries

The Olympics showed us all that sometimes balls can be the difference between winning and losing. Ironically, this Frenchie “pole vaulter” (wow, this is just writing itself) proved that despite what WW2 might have you believe, France has des couilles tres grande.  No need to google-translate, Welcome to the 2024 pre-season edition of the Diaries.

I realize that you’d like to get back to your coffee, poop and Wordle routine (today’s word is B-U-L-G-E) but please take advantage of the 6 years of data collection and knowledge put into the website  you’re currently on: fantasyvampire.com.  There’s a “Rules” page, we play the no-stash variant. Ignorance is not an excuse.  Complaining about rules you did not read only results in league beer fines and I do enjoy a cold beer funded by the tears of leetle babies.

Trades,: Trading is fun, highly encouraged and a big part of a league with regulated waiver access.  There will be an up-to 24 hour review period on trades by commish-appointed special counsel (or whoever chimes in at the taproom).  I’m never going to nitpick trades, just show that there is a value to both parties, no trades when you are all but eliminated, and no “rentals” or bailing a friend out of an “I only drafted one defense/kicker” dilemma.  

We have a wild card entry as the 6th and final playoff spot   It will be awarded to the team with the most points of the 5 teams that have not qualified by record (which will most likely be the 6 seed anyhow). This will benefit the bad-beat team and keep owners engaged avoiding late season questionable trades. and perhaps postpone Scott’s inevitable “I’m out this league sucks” text.

Oh,but wait the Vampireverse has has thrown us a curveballs and chosen Scotty as this year’s Vampire.  Fun fact from first time contributor, long-time reader Scott: Every league champion has also been a vampire at one time.  Season 1 champ Ruben (Count da Money). Season 2 champ Scott (now known as the Transylvania Candy Canes…clear cache after that urban dictionary look-up) Season 3 champ Jay (Count Trumpula) Season 4 Champ Mitch (Count Tampaxula) and season 5 champ Lucas (Count Vampire Name because I have to).  Only outlier is Craig (Count Pint-O-Blood).  Craig “Tucson Testicles” Weaver, will try to rectify that from the autodraft spot, hoping to teabag the league on his way to hoisting the Bela.

Now the autodraft is a truly underrated approach as your bench has more quality and depth to offer up in a trade when a bye week leaves your sack empty.  Vamp alumni Brian (Fapsylvania) made it to the final four a couple years ago via autodraft.  Yes, you need some AI cajones to pull it off, but that would be a vampire league first. 

Draft wisely gents. You have been provided my sage advice in the past (I am literally cutting and pasting from last 2 year’s pre-season diaries) but I feel compelled to put it here again, since if one thing is consistent in this league, its that grown men are whiney little bitches when things don’t go their way, SOOOO: check byes; check the week you play the Vampire, and draft 2 players at all positions.  The only unwritten rule is don’t be a dick and have fun.  If you’re bitching about losing $20 you really need to smoke more weed.  Just know that I’ll do my best to provide midweek must-read entertainment and most importantly, annoy Scotty.