Vampire Diaries
Pre-season
Welcome to the 2023 edition of the Diaries children. Quite the beginning to Season 5 of the Vampireverse. If this is the reaction to setting a draft date, I can’t wait to see the shitstorm following the trade Jay and I will undoubtedly cook up in week 2. Your fearless commish will weather the storm as he always has. Fear not newbies, as any of the originals can attest, this is just an appetizer to the endless trash talking, tantrums and hijinks that is the Lost Boyz vampire league. We are all good friends and enjoy humiliating each other any chance we get. A beer at our local watering hole, The 1227 Taproom (shameless plug better get me a free pint from A-Ron) heals all wounds and bruised egos. So lets get to the business at hand.
I can read the room and realize none of you are viewing any non-TikTok or porn content, but take advantage of the 5 years of data collection and knowledge put into the website that you’re currently on: fantasyvampire.com. There’s a “Rules” page, we play the no-stash variant. This year we will add a wild card entry as the 6th and final playoff spot It will be awarded to the team with the most points of the 5 teams that have not qualified by record (which will most likely be the 6 seed anyhow). This will benefit the bad-beat team and keep owners engaged avoiding late season questionable trades and perhaps postpone Scott’s inevitable “I’m out this league sucks” text.
Speaking of trades, like last year there will be an up-to 24 hour review period on trades by commish-appointed special counsel (or whoever chimes in at the taproom). I’m never going to nitpick trades, just show that there is a value to both parties, no trades when you are all but eliminated, and no taking advantage of coach Ramirez giving no fucks due to impending nuptuals. He has a lifetime of nobody caring what’s in it for him to look forward to, so let’s take the high road.
Draft wisely gents. You have been provided my sage advice in the past (I am literally cutting and pasting from last year’s pre-season diaries) but I feel compelled to give you this reminder given your recall of the draft date notice I sent out 3 weeks ago: check byes, the week you play the Vampire, and draft 2 players at all positions. The only unwritten rule is don’t be a dick and have fun. If you’re bitching about losing $25 you really need to stop doing blow. Just know that I’ll do my best to provide midweek must-read entertainment and most importantly, annoy Scotty.
Ruben, our season 1 champ is the Vampire. The vamp has been a pube away from victory every year, except of course for Lucas’ Twilight version in season 3. Keep hydrated with holy water and stuff your jocks with garlic…Ruben is bringing it. And by “it” I mean the vamp strap-on he just ordered when he accidentally ended up on vampirefantasy.com
Week 1
Good Grief! What the F happened on MNF? Feeling confident heading into the final game of the week, with a seemingly easy chip shot to the finish line, both Jay and I instead got kicked square in the peanuts as the win was ripped away from us in OT. FUAAUGHK! The psychiatrist is in, so grab your squiggly-lined tee and a dime, its time for the Charlie Brown edition of the diaries.
The commish can surely sympathize with good ol’ Chuck as the gang has been relentlessly abusive leading up to week one. Despite getting a whopping 6 pts from Dak, iVan Helsing was looking good going into Monday’s game. Garret Wilson’s late TD looked like the game winner, somehow overcoming the 18 pts from the Jet’s D. But team Booker (really?) Lucy Van Pelted the W on that crazy punt return walk-off. Final score: 99-98. Congrats on the victory Jonah…Not so much on the crappy name effort. Seems like there’s always a couple name protestors every year. Until futher notice you are now know as team Lucy Fang Pelt.
Well Jay’s reaching for the Midol early this year. Josh Allen’s INT-fest was bad enough, but losing Dobbins in week one is certain to bring on the cramps. Defending champ Mitch, overthinking the lineup started Geno over Trevor and almost gifted a win to the Menstrual Vamps. But then (cue up the OT punt return again) Yoink, enough to knock a couple pts off Jay’s DST giving the Blair Mitch Project (❤️ it!) a squeaker 97-96 dub over MV. Better grab the security blanket Jay, and hope the great pumpkin brings you a starting RB.
Newbie Kyle threw up a pigpen stinker as Guillermo de La Cruz proved to be the familiar (What We do in the Shadows ref) to last year’s vamp Craig. I Drew Bledsoe was the beneficiary of (I really hate writing this) Dallas’s D putting up 35pts. Otherwise they’d both have been slap fighting to see who could score 80 pts. The amazing thing is that wah, wah, wah, wah, wah wah…sorry this matchup was really lame: Bledsoe takes the win 105-76.
The vamp came out limp in his week 1 battle against Peppermint Scotty’s butchy team Whine. Tyreek Hill’s 39 pts was enough in itself to seal the victory as Count da Money will need to put together a better mix from the waiver undead if Ruben hopes to steal a win early on. Drafting Hill instead of Mark Andrews may have been the better move vamp…Scott wins this easy 98-68.
Scotty’s sidekick, Marcie, um, Lucas, put up a solid second fiddle to this week’s top dog Casey Cool. All-Bite, No Dan (would have gone with Commandor the Dan Snyderless myself) put up the week’s high score slicing up Team Cheese 139-110. The Brown Baron goes down in flames on the bad beat as Lucas would have defeated the rest of the league. No sophomore slump for Casey, his team looks solid up and down and leads the pack after week 1 . Welcome to season 5 of the Vampireverse gents…and were off!
Next up for the Vamp: Casey and All Bite-No Dan
Week 2
You know the funny thing about vampire leagues? Its the little things. You can set a draft date 3 weeks in advance and then walk right into the warroom and get a dose of Whine. And I don’t mean no little paper cup of whine, you get a huge grown-men sized glass of Whine. You know what they call their Vampire teams in France Lucas? They call them Royale with Cheese. It’s because they got the metric system. They wouldn’t know what the fuck a good vampire-themed name is. And of course, like other leagues they love talking big smack, only they call it Le Big Smack. Pretty sure you all know where this is going…Check out the big brains on the vampireverse, its time for the Pulp Fiction edition of the diaries.
They’ll be no divine intervention for the Menstrual Vamps, not even the Wolf can clean up this mess: 2 starting RBs lost for the season. Jay finds himself on ACL detail, picking up pieces of cartiledge and hosing down the RB slot. No drama for Helsing this week as the commish just sat back and enjoyed a tasty beverage to wash down the win, getting production from his entire lineup including 30 pts from Danny Dimes. Final score: Helsing 133-105 over MV.
The Blair Mitch Project has gone into full cardiac arrest, once again choosing the wrong starting QB. Kyle doesn’t have that dilemma as Mahomes isn’t your average freeze-dried signal caller, that’s some serious gourmet shit right there. GDLC needed little more than Mahomes and Tee Higgins to bury Mitch winning 99-76. Our defending champ is looking shaky out of the gate and in need of an adrenaline shot. I’ll be happy to deliver it in a stabbing motion next week.
Jonah ditched the vanilla name and is now Desert Swarm .Not exactly the Big Kahuna Burger of vampire-themed names, but an upgrade (AJ Killin? Fields and Streams of blood? Devonta Suck your Blood?). yeah. ill move on. the Swarm made it 2-0, following last week’s heart stopper with another close win defeating Scotty and Team Whine 96-91. Seems like team Whine and Joe Burrow in particular are playing with an uncomfortable piece of metal up their ass. The Bella is nobody’s birthright, so you better pick it up if you hope to get your greasy hands around the Chompionship trophy again.
Royale with Cheese put together another strong outing defeating I drew Bledsoe 112-97. Did Lucas benefit from not playing the top-scoring team this week? Correctamundo….Craig’s 3 Fonzies (D. Pierce, J. Williams and AJ Brown) combined for a very uncool 12 pts. Austin Ekeler sat and is questionable for week 3. When asked how he was feeling about next week’s matchup with the Vamp, Bledsoe said “I gotta pee”.
And speaking of the Vamp, Ruben got gimped by All Bite no Dan who once again put up the top score of the week taking down the Count 154-93. 154!! You hear that hilbilly boy? Casey is getting medieval on the league as his lead-pipe swinging lineup is going through opponents with pliers and a blowtorch. Don’t sleep on Ruben tho, he’s had some near misses on his lineup and outscored both Mitch and Scotty. Injuries have loaded up the waiver pawn shop with quite the arsenal to choose from. Hammerin j.Hill, Louisville Love, Chainsaw Nico Collins (how did he go undrafted?) and coming just into view after Chubb’s injury, Katana Kareem….Only a matter of time.
Some of you still owe league fees, So go and log into your Venmo accounts…Its the one’s that says @Cheap-Motherfuckers.
Next up for the Vamp: Craig and I Drew Bledsoe
Week 3
The year was 2023. Injuries ravaged the land. it was the hour of the infamous vampire diaries. Where for public amusement, heretics and non-believers were tortured and burned in a carnival-like atmosphere. And it was guided by the most fearful specter to ever sit in judgement over good and evil, the grand Commissioner. The commish: do not implore him for compassion. The commish: do not beg him for forgiveness, The commish: do not ask him for mercy. Lets face it, he don’t give an ish. That’s right its time for the History of the World edition of the diaries. 🎵 The Inquisition…um Vampire Diaries, here we go, the Vampire Diaries, what a show, I know Scott’s wishing, that it’d go awaaay, But the Vampire Diaries are here and there here to staaay.
It’s good to be the King. Casey is the lone undefeated team and there doesn’t seem to be an end to his reign of terror. That’s 3 weeks in a row as the top scoring team for the Stone man. All Bark, No Dan put up 179 pts getting 42 and 36 from Mostert and Devante respectively. Jonah looked like the piss boy by comparison. 109 pts is nothing to sneeze at, but Casey scored at will on the hive. Knight jumps queen bee, bishop jumps queen bee, pawns jump queen bee…gang bang! Its good to be the king.
Jay’s wounded Menstrual Vamps joined in on the scoring fest racking up 147 pts (30 from K Walker III). Scott was no bucket of shit either as Team Whine poured out 127 points, but the Bills D was the difference in this matchup dropping 31-thanks to the Manders’ crap-show. Scott’s continued string of bad beats has to be driving him nuts, N-V-T-S nuts! I can only assume he’s happy we’ve added a wildcard slot in the playoffs this year. An opening where he might fit.
Have you heard of this new team the Guilermo De la Chruztians? They’re so poor…How poor are they? Thank you. They’re so poor, they only have one kicker…(🦗🦗🦗). Wow, when you die in the diaries, you really DIE in the diaries. In a close contest of futility, Kyle and Lucas exchanged slaps trying to crack triple digits with Lamar and Mahomes doing the heavy lifting for both teams. Kyle, optimistically waiting for Tee Higgins to cash in on multiple targets during MNF, only to fall short 100-97. Nice win Lucas…not thrilling, but nice.
And speaking of waiting it out on MNF, Mitch, needing an escort to the scoring orgy, and still looking for a big game from his #1 pick Ja’Marr, sweated it out for 3 quarters, chipping away at Helsing’s lead: no, no, yes, no, no, yes, no, no yes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, wait a minute….YEESSS!! The Blair Mitch Project emerged on top of the high-scoring battle 128-118 serving up the commish his second loss of the season, after baiting him with texts all weekend long. Ah yes, the servant waits, while the master baits.
And finally, Count da Money…De Mo-nay!…De Mo-nay! once again fell short after putting the scare into Craig, who scrambled all week trying to put together a trade for injured starter Eckeler. Insider reports have I Drew Bernaise gettting a bit saucy with Jay’s offer of Breece Hall before settling on Roumalade Stevenson. In the end though it came down to the Vamp leaving Love and Zack Moss sauce on the bench as Craig prevailed 97-83. I think we all pull for the vamp, unless we’re facing him, but I’m OK with Ruben’s bad luck up to this point. It’s only week 3 and the last 2 weeks its only been a matter of match-ups and close roster calls. His team is no joke even without the inevitable first rounders he’ll pluck off our rosters. I foresee a sytematic torture that will surely ensue. It’s coming…nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition (haha a theme for another time).
Next up for the Vamp: Kyle and Guillermo de la Cruz
As an added bonus, and to send you into TNF with an all-day ear worm:
Week 4 preview
Coming Soon….See: The Vamp on Ice…See: A Viking Funeral (only week 3, but Scotty has seen this movie before and always claims Cousins was an awful miscast)…See: Mitch in Space. Oy Vey! I’m definitely getting cancelled for that one.
